You knew it was coming.
I can hardly keep up with one blog, let alone two. So this one will stay in existence, but I'm going to only be posting on my website with my man. In a week from this moment I'll be rehearsing for our wedding. NUTS. In one week and one day I'll be a married woman.
Yay :)
So... it's been lovely, but from now on, check out:
http://jasandtam.blogspot.com
Hasta.
I nearly forgot- the pic above is totally one I took up here at the lake awhile back. So sweet :)
[Livin' On A Prayer, Bon Jovi]
That's how I feel right now- the feet and back are spasming, my head is pounding from forgetting to drink water all day, and I am about to pass out.
I.
Hate.
Moving.
But praise God that this is, God willing, the last time I'll have to pack alone, and hopefully the last move for the next 5 years or so... by the next move, if all goes according to plan, Jas and I will be moving into a house that we will live. In. Until. We. Die.
The end.
As for the new look... if you know me you know I like change. I think this suits me better :)
I better go do a little update on the Love Blog so as to not alienate those that keep in touch only via that medium.
... I'm going home
[Home, Daughtry]
I know it's one of the biggest songs in the country and has been for weeks, but this song just really struck me deeply today.
I was packing and came across a bunch of photo albums. I couldn't help but flip through each one, and basically they chronicle everything since I graduated from high school. I graduated exactly 7 years ago last Saturday... that's amazing, right? I can hardly believe how much I have grown and changed in those 7 years, and how many amazing people I have met. All of my best friends, save for two (mad love to you, Clinton and Darla!), are people who have become woven into the fabric of my life post-high school. Which is, I think, fairly common.
Another random happenstance of the day (though I actually think it was ordained) was that I recalled a song from my high school days called Westside by TQ. The basic point is that he loves the west coast, and he says, "West side til I die". So I was already on this west coast love roll, then I saw pics from my life pre-North Carolina, then I saw a paper from Institute (the TFA training that I did in Houston the summer before I began teaching in NC) that I drew all over and decorated all up while doodling that says, "West side til I die". Strangely enough, I haven't thought of that song probably since I created the paper two years ago, yet today in school I recall the song, download it from iTunes, and then come home and get nostalgic while packing and then see that paper.
Then, of course, I was really feeling the pull to the west coast, to Jason, to marriage, to the next phase of my life which will be completely distinguished and different from the last... I was seeing the faces of people I love and miss so much in photo after photo... and this song, Home, came on.
That's my favorite thing about music-- it speaks to every person where they are no matter how different their situation is from the next person. For me, home means I am drawn back to a region of the United States, more specifically, the Pacific Northwest. I never knew exactly how much I loved Washington state until I left it. Of course, I'm becoming a west sider (I always lived in the eastern half of the state) and Jason is a pretty huge draw, but I realized that while it's a bit emotional to say good-bye to my beloved roomies (I'll see Becca and hopefully Elise in September... who knows when I'll see Liz again, if ever, which is sad) and it will be REALLY hard to say good-bye to my kids (I tear up just typing it, no kidding)... the truth is that these faces and these places are getting old.
I'm ready to go home.
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been enough for me
Not running from
No, I think you got me all wrong-
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home.
I nearly forgot--
If you're a ROCK STAR and you use iTunes then check out this sweet iMix I made!
Tim Henderson Mix
... Lord, blessed be Your name
[Blessed Be Your Name, Tree 63]
So today I checked in on the blog of a friend who was in Europe lately, and there were some sound clips of a wedding that he sang in. The songs were in French, and I realized that singing along in English to a worship song (they were Blessed Be Your Name and Lord, You Have My Heart) being sung in another language, French in this case, is one of the most incredibly amazing feelings in the world.
I can't really explain it-- worshiping God in song is my most treasured form of worship, and singing a song of praise in my heart language as others praised Him in their foreign tongue simultaneously just took it to another level. That was just over a fairly low-quality clip online!
In other news, I think my blog is in need of more pictures. Everyone loves a good picture, right?
Here are some of my favorite things :)
Pictures of cities at night; I took this one of Charlotte after leaving a Bobcats game (they won!)
My ring and my Red Sox sweatshirt :)
Being Ridiculous :)
Making really crazy faces for the camera
Ok, I REALLY love making nutso faces for the camera... never leave yours unattended.
Beautiful sunsets
I'll give you one guess :)
Being silly with my kids :)
Young children
My kids :)
Friday night lights :) I'll really miss keeping stats
The randomosity that is Warren County
Inside joke, but when my kids are funny (and watch Jeopardy!)
The natural beauty where I live
Our glorious lake house :)
Miko
Sweet pics ;)
Being Ms. TK
My adorable roomies (I don't have any pics of Elise :( )
Hurricane Days! One word: ERRRRRRRNESTO!!
Crazy times with Liz :)
My hair when it's long :)
The randomosity that is my house... we didn't choose the decorations on the book shelf, PS
Funny bizness
Root beer mystery taste tests
My baby... even if the sun & wind were in his eyes and he's squinting :)[Girl America, Mat Kearney]
I'm totally starting to get into this fitness thing.
Do you ever apply limits and labels to yourself and believe them so fiercely that you simply couldn't imagine them not being a part of your life? Do you ever let them begin to define you, even if they're negative?
I've always been overweight. Even as an elementary school child I was the cute, mildly plump one. It got to be a little bit more and more by high school, and by the time I graduated I was 220 pounds, and about a size 18.
Then, in college, it got worse. By the end of my junior year I was 290. I went to China for a summer and came back at 260. I could fit into a 22, the first time in years. I spent most of college a solid 24.
Slowly I gained the China weight back, and then some. By the time I left for TFA I was 330, a solid 26. Then, two winters ago (so 2005-2006, my first year in TFA) I got up to about 360. That's my estimate... the only comfortable pants were a 28. By last fall I was down to 320 (I'm honestly not sure how I lost it... I didn't even really try, to be truthful. It just slipped off.). With some serious effort I got down to about 310 by January of this year. Then I gained some back, and at my last doctor appointment I was 323.
I realized I had to get serious. I mean, I want to have babies with Jason. First of all, the rate of miscarriages in women with a BMI over 25 increases sharply. My BMI at 323 would be a50.6. Ouch. We don't plan on children for about 3 years, but still.
I'm blessed that I don't have any real complications yet. My cholesterol is normal, blood pressure in healthy limits, etc. But I hate being the fattest person on the plane, in the restaurant, in the room, in the building.
Still... I often cling to my identity as the fat girl. I mean, you'd think I'd hate it- and I do- but a painful truth hit me recently:
I can't imagine a fit Tami.
I just can't. I can't see myself as one of those people who snacks on raw veggies and works out because it feels good. I can see myself gorging on 12 Oreos and a half a gallon of milk and ordering enough fast food for two people. You know what's sad? I've only bought Oreos maybe twice in the last year, and I honestly eat fast food maybe 1-2 times a month. I actually probably eat raw veggies and work out more than either of those things. Yet I define myself as the "fat girl".
It's easy in some ways to be her. I could always blame problems on her. When I had unrequited love spells, I could blame it on being too fat. If people rejected me I could always assume they just couldn't get close to me because of my stature. I accepted being friendliest and having the best laugh in high school because of course I'd never be most attractive. I overcompensated with personality, clinging to it as needing to be overly funny and fun because I hated fat people more than anyone, so why should people love me unless I was so lovable that they- and I- had no choice but to overlook the obesity that was me.
So... I have had to wrestle this demon, recently. The one that rejects God's truths (My body is a temple... Eat, drink, whatver I do, do it as unto the Lord... don't gorge on anything other than God's Holy Spirit (and His Word)... love myself... I am a beautiful daughter of the King... on and on...) and instead clings to lies about my unworthiness and definition being the uncontrolled, unhealthy habits formed in eating over the last 20 years.
Funny how the demon is far harder to deal with than the actual sinful acts. I can eat 1,500 calories in a day, work out like a fiend, and consciously surrender my desires to binge (and, sadly, I won't deny having purged- aka vomiting- in the past) and still feel like I'll always just be the fat girl.
God simply won't let me rest. He won't let me feel sorry for myself. He urges me onto health, to Himself. God loves me just as I am, but He loves me far too much to let me settle in comfortably and stay this way.
Praise Him for that!
So... the skinny (the fat?) is this: I weighed 323 pounds at the beginning of June. This is the second day of the second week of eating under 1,800 calories a day (I've been averaging around 1,500, methinks, and I was even careful enough to stay under 2,500 even during the crazy Memorial Day weeekend festivities) and exercising basically daily. My scale only goes up to 300 pounds, so I'm not sure where I am now, but pants are already feeling far more loose than two weeks ago.
This is humbling, but this time it's real. I've never posted my weight because... well, it embarrasses me and it would be far easier to say how much I USED to weigh when I weigh way less :)
I've got a solid accountability pair that I e-mail daily with what I ate that day and my work out status, and I'm serious this time. My life is changing. Not just to look a little better in a wedding dress- it's time to be bare before you (most of my readers are my good friends, so public as a medium as this may be, you're still my core group) and just lay all of my goods out on the table.
I'll let you know when I get under the 300 mark. I cannot WAIT to say good-bye to the 300's forever. No surgery, no gimmicky diets, just eating thoughtfully and exercising to save a life-- my own.
Hope you enjoy the ride-- I promise to write about more than just this, though. And... I'll be straight with you-- encouragement really helps so please, if you feel led to lend an encouraging word or five, don't hesitate.
PS My car hit 250,000 miles today; I watched the numbers change and happened to have Jas on the phone when it happened!
I loves me my Ac! Goldie has been so good to me- I pray she lasts a long time more for Jas since he'll take her over eventually when we get me something a little newer. Still- this is the shameless Acura plug- they rock! Get one if ever you can :) Mine is faithful and true and doesn't even burn enough oil to need to put in a quart between changes every 3-4 months. Boo-yah!
