Girl America's dying... don't stop believing, my Girl America

[Girl America, Mat Kearney]

I'm totally starting to get into this fitness thing.

Do you ever apply limits and labels to yourself and believe them so fiercely that you simply couldn't imagine them not being a part of your life? Do you ever let them begin to define you, even if they're negative?

I've always been overweight. Even as an elementary school child I was the cute, mildly plump one. It got to be a little bit more and more by high school, and by the time I graduated I was 220 pounds, and about a size 18.

Then, in college, it got worse. By the end of my junior year I was 290. I went to China for a summer and came back at 260. I could fit into a 22, the first time in years. I spent most of college a solid 24.

Slowly I gained the China weight back, and then some. By the time I left for TFA I was 330, a solid 26. Then, two winters ago (so 2005-2006, my first year in TFA) I got up to about 360. That's my estimate... the only comfortable pants were a 28. By last fall I was down to 320 (I'm honestly not sure how I lost it... I didn't even really try, to be truthful. It just slipped off.). With some serious effort I got down to about 310 by January of this year. Then I gained some back, and at my last doctor appointment I was 323.

I realized I had to get serious. I mean, I want to have babies with Jason. First of all, the rate of miscarriages in women with a BMI over 25 increases sharply. My BMI at 323 would be a50.6. Ouch. We don't plan on children for about 3 years, but still.

I'm blessed that I don't have any real complications yet. My cholesterol is normal, blood pressure in healthy limits, etc. But I hate being the fattest person on the plane, in the restaurant, in the room, in the building.

Still... I often cling to my identity as the fat girl. I mean, you'd think I'd hate it- and I do- but a painful truth hit me recently:

I can't imagine a fit Tami.

I just can't. I can't see myself as one of those people who snacks on raw veggies and works out because it feels good. I can see myself gorging on 12 Oreos and a half a gallon of milk and ordering enough fast food for two people. You know what's sad? I've only bought Oreos maybe twice in the last year, and I honestly eat fast food maybe 1-2 times a month. I actually probably eat raw veggies and work out more than either of those things. Yet I define myself as the "fat girl".

It's easy in some ways to be her. I could always blame problems on her. When I had unrequited love spells, I could blame it on being too fat. If people rejected me I could always assume they just couldn't get close to me because of my stature. I accepted being friendliest and having the best laugh in high school because of course I'd never be most attractive. I overcompensated with personality, clinging to it as needing to be overly funny and fun because I hated fat people more than anyone, so why should people love me unless I was so lovable that they- and I- had no choice but to overlook the obesity that was me.

So... I have had to wrestle this demon, recently. The one that rejects God's truths (My body is a temple... Eat, drink, whatver I do, do it as unto the Lord... don't gorge on anything other than God's Holy Spirit (and His Word)... love myself... I am a beautiful daughter of the King... on and on...) and instead clings to lies about my unworthiness and definition being the uncontrolled, unhealthy habits formed in eating over the last 20 years.

Funny how the demon is far harder to deal with than the actual sinful acts. I can eat 1,500 calories in a day, work out like a fiend, and consciously surrender my desires to binge (and, sadly, I won't deny having purged- aka vomiting- in the past) and still feel like I'll always just be the fat girl.

God simply won't let me rest. He won't let me feel sorry for myself. He urges me onto health, to Himself. God loves me just as I am, but He loves me far too much to let me settle in comfortably and stay this way.

Praise Him for that!

So... the skinny (the fat?) is this: I weighed 323 pounds at the beginning of June. This is the second day of the second week of eating under 1,800 calories a day (I've been averaging around 1,500, methinks, and I was even careful enough to stay under 2,500 even during the crazy Memorial Day weeekend festivities) and exercising basically daily. My scale only goes up to 300 pounds, so I'm not sure where I am now, but pants are already feeling far more loose than two weeks ago.

This is humbling, but this time it's real. I've never posted my weight because... well, it embarrasses me and it would be far easier to say how much I USED to weigh when I weigh way less :)

I've got a solid accountability pair that I e-mail daily with what I ate that day and my work out status, and I'm serious this time. My life is changing. Not just to look a little better in a wedding dress- it's time to be bare before you (most of my readers are my good friends, so public as a medium as this may be, you're still my core group) and just lay all of my goods out on the table.

I'll let you know when I get under the 300 mark. I cannot WAIT to say good-bye to the 300's forever. No surgery, no gimmicky diets, just eating thoughtfully and exercising to save a life-- my own.

Hope you enjoy the ride-- I promise to write about more than just this, though. And... I'll be straight with you-- encouragement really helps so please, if you feel led to lend an encouraging word or five, don't hesitate.

PS My car hit 250,000 miles today; I watched the numbers change and happened to have Jas on the phone when it happened!

I loves me my Ac! Goldie has been so good to me- I pray she lasts a long time more for Jas since he'll take her over eventually when we get me something a little newer. Still- this is the shameless Acura plug- they rock! Get one if ever you can :) Mine is faithful and true and doesn't even burn enough oil to need to put in a quart between changes every 3-4 months. Boo-yah!

Don't you know it's violation?

[All These Lives, Daughtry]

I am sick. Sick. Sick. SICK!

I hate colds.

Do you ever do that thing where, when you're stuffed up and miserable, you swear you'll never again take breathing normally for granted? And then two days after you're back to normal you forget the misery that is having a cold?

I sure do.

I'm in the midst of feeling sorry for myself because I have a cold mode. But the good news is that, after a near week hiatus, we finally have hot water again. Praise the LORD! We went without the entire weekend- the long weekend, with guests and lots of swimming. Ugh.

I'm about to pass out, now- I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night.

Stupid cold.

PS Only 8 more days of school; 4 of them are half-days with testing, and I already wrote my final, my study guide, and end-of-year survey AND copied them! It's smooth sailing from here on- mostly just test prep/review and tying up loose ends. Yippeeeeeeee!!

PPS Today my assistant principal told me that I'm a "really good teacher" and to let her know if I ever need a recommendation.

:)

Word of God speak

[Word of God Speak, Mercy Me]

Tonight I heard a fresh word from the Lord. A rhema-- His specific word, meant to speak life into me exactly where I am at this very moment.

It's rather incredible how God's Word truly is alive, living and active even, cutting through to the heart of me. I've read I Peter dozens of times, but tonight it was real, brilliant, and cut through me like a laser, slicing through the lies that have formed the foggy, muddled mass surrounding my heart.

I am so blessed to be reminded that Jesus Christ knows and understands exactly what I am going through right now. He lived it 2,000 years ago in His tenure on this earth, and words written by the apostle Peter nearly 2,000 years ago are every bit as powerful and meaningful to me now as they were to the people he penned them for then.

Praise God for that! I will cling to Him. I pray I will remain open and receptive to whatever He asks of me with no hesitation and no second guessing nor questioning.

I belong to God. I have been purchased with the blood of Jesus Christ, whom I have proclaimed as my Savior.

I am not my own.

It's about time I get back to living like it.

Would you change?

[Change, Tracy Chapman]

This is such a good question... really, when you come face to face with something that needs to change, will you do it? Will I?

What does it take? When there is an area of my life, for example, that is out of line with God's will, will I change it or will I make excuses and numb myself and keep on with it?

Two things come to mind. One is a really frustrating relationship. Honestly, it's relationship I would rather not have. The person has really betrayed trust in a lot of ways, so I have gone through the gamut... anger. Bitterness. Trying to pretend she doesn't exist. Trying to figure out a way to address the problem without hurting other people we both are also close to. I've even tried to pray it through, to trust God and let it go. None of these helped; the last did for a little while, but then there was a new offense and rather than cling to the Truth of God's Word about forgiveness and focusing on Him I went back to my sinful response of self-protection and bitterness.

So I know the Truth. Live unto God, be Christ and treat others as I would treat Christ. Will I change?

Also, for my entire life overeating has been a sin I cling to. I eat out of boredom. Out of habit. Out of addiction. It's sin. I try on my own power to get it under control, but I fail. I've failed time after time after time. I believe that this is just the way I am, obese. Big. Large. However you put it- harsh or gentle, I lack the belief that I could be anything more... well, or less, as the case may be. I try to reform myself, but I always fail. This is because only God can transform.

I cannot serve both God and my addiction to food. So often, food wins. God is to be my only master. Will I change?

Today, I choose to make the change. I'll keep you up to date on my progress.

Stand Up

Ok, you have to go read this. DO IT.

Chris Broussard's Response to the Amaechi / NBA stuffs


I replied with the following:

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I hold the same standards as you. The Bible- God's inerrant and Holy Word- is the plumb line for me, the standard which determines my choices as well as my moral values. Many call it antiquated and "mistranslated", as you said, and tell me that they respect my choices, though I can see they clearly think I am either sadly misled and naive or simply wrong.

It kills me that, in our society, I feel like free speech is open to pretty much anyone except those like me, with my values. I truly appreciate your honesty- that you would treat any homosexual man as a human and a friend, with respect, and that you might be a little uncomfortable being around him naked but that you would give him benefit of the doubt and so long as he didn't make a pass at you (ergo respecting your boundaries) then you wouldn't freak out about it and would eventually not worry about the shower situation.

I value you saying this because so many like us (dare I lump you and I together, being that we have a similar belief system) are immediately labeled as hateful bigots when we call homosexuality sin. Yet Christians living as Jesus called us to should love people- even homosexuals, despite the fact that, for a plethora of reasons, homosexuality tends to make most people more uncomfortable than other sins. You showed the way we should be- cliche as it is, you "love the sinner and hate the sin". You also aren't afraid to call it sin- many Christians don't get this. Either they are hateful and allow ignorance to be their compass or they just cop-out and say, "God is love and so you can do whatever you want to do and He'll still love you."

God is love. He came to earth in bodily form, lived every day of His 33 year life for our sake, and then died a humiliating and excruciatingly painful (physically and emotionally) death on a cross. That's love. Love is getting over your own discomfort to be a friend to someone whose life choices aren't in line with your own and shining for Christ. Love is speaking the truth while balancing it out with grace. Love endures and takes the risk- as you have- of being ripped to shreds by those who tout liberty and free speech yet seek to silence those who stand for Truth.

Thank you, Mr. Broussard, for speaking the truth in love. I teach History in a low-income, primarily Black, rural high school where ignorance feeds hate toward homosexuals. Every day I seek to stand for love, living out the Truth I believe- that no matter what choice someone makes, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I need to love that person while being unafraid to stick to my beliefs. I stand and walk according to my beliefs, and when necessary I speak the words necessary to back up my actions.

Thank you, Mr. Broussard, for standing with me and being that beacon which my students so desperately need to shine into their lives. I can't wait to use your article as our next opinions literacy-workshop piece.

***

So what do you all think? I'd love to hear your feedback about this stuff.

I LOVE this!

This is awesome; check it out!

http://joelrosenberg.blogspot.com/2007/02/history-making-super-bowl-coaches.html

If I just... breathe...

I know I'm slacking on the blog updates. I'm sorry about that! I'm seriously just barely keeping my head above water at the moment. Seriously, I've worked pretty much nonstop since Saturday morning (the roomies had to strongarm me into a game Friday night- Apples to Apples- otherwise the work would have started then... actually, it started after the game, but still) only stopping to sleep, eat, and occasionally shower. And that was only because I worked out. And that was only because I felt so gross from sitting with my laptop for nearly 20 hours by 5pm Sunday.

I have 60 e-mails waiting to be attended to in my inbox. There's some big time badness happening at my school that I really need to talk to my TF@ supervisor about and keep putting off because I don't have time. There's crazy pressure from my school to be part of that badness. I have been leaving for school at 6:20 a.m.... yet I'm only planned as far ahead as tomorrow for my high-pressure, state-tested class that was sprung upon me without notice. When I need my planning most I lose half of it to poor planning on behalf of my school. I don't have time to work out and am hardly getting quiet with the Lord so much as hoping I get something out of His Word as I speed through my Bible study so as to not take away from my work. I'm trying to slow down but when I do everything else keeps going at full speed and if I'm not careful it will all slam against me. It's all around yuck.

Except Jason. He's wonderful. Jesus is my Rock upon which I stand, but Jason is the concrete pillar upon whom I lean. So yay for Jason. And really, I'm not complaining- life is good. I love my Jesus, I love my Jason, I love my kids, I love my roommates, I love my Bible study gals, and I love my life. But hopefully you won't be hurt that I'm so out of touch at the current moment. Truth be told, it may not slow down for the next five months.

Just breathe.

PS Jason wrote a long blog post about us :) It can be found here on his blog.

PPS His entry says we didn't sleep much. And that's true of the first night- we stayed up all night. But know that we stayed pure and didn't cross any physical boundaries that would be sin in the Lord's sight. I'm just throwing that out there in case that line makes ya a little worried :)

Sometimes it's hard to breathe...

... just knowing you found me.

[With You, Jessica Simpson]

I can certifiably say that's the only Jessica Simpson song I like. Only one. It's rather fitting of my post I'm about to write, though :)

I'm currently doing a Bible study with some other young female teachers (mostly other TF@ers) by Beth Moore called Breaking Free. It's a great study and the Lord is really using it in my life. It seems that what God does in me individually seems to always parallel what He's doing in Jason and I as a couple, and this week was no exception.

On Tuesday night we were talking about the day in the study in which we focused on finding satisfaction in God. One question was, "What is the most satisfying part of your relationship with God?". AB wanted to know each person's answers, and a lot of the gals said awesome stuff, like knowing He is the answer to all things in life- simply The Answer, or that we have victory in Him, etc. I thought about my answer knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the most satisfying part of my relationship with Jesus Christ is knowing that He is my everything.

This was particularly clear because I had just proclaimed this to Jason about an hour before we arrived at that question during Bible study. I am a blessed woman because Jason loves me deeply and wants to treasure me and always esteem me as a precious jewel whom he will cherish for the rest of his life. I know many women don't have that, and I am truly blessed. The negative side to this, though, is that Jas holds himself to extremely rigid and high standards, so if he lets me down even the slightest bit then he is crushed. Ninety-nine percent of the time he's far more upset than I am in this, and Tuesday was no exception. I actually found myself extremely angry with him and... well, I let him know it.

He began trying to explain why he was so upset with himself, how he hates to let me down because he wants to be my man, to be perfectly everything I need. I simply had to stop him... normally I don't interrupt him, but I just had to. I told him that he's not my everything and that he never will be. He'll never be perfect, and he'll never fulfill me or even begin to touch the void in my heart that leaves me rendered helplessly incomplete on my own. Jesus Christ alone is all of this- and more- in my life. God fulfills me, makes me complete, and makes me whole. He has blessed me with the most amazing man in Jason, and for that I am truly grateful.

Understand that I do know Jason needs to strive to be the best man he can be- but he needs to be the best man he can be in accordance to God's will. Jas knows that he can't fulfill me, and he wasn't trying to be my God. It was amazing, though, to hear myself saying those words-- "Jason, God alone is my everything. He fulfills me, makes me whole, and completes me. You'll never be perfect, and you'll never be able to do what God can in my life"-- and to know that I meant them with every ounce of my being.

God is my God; Jason is my man. In 3 1/2 hours I board a plane for Omaha to recruit for TF@, and Saturday I board a plane for Seattle where I will spend 2 glorious whole days with my man.
Yay. :)

You are all I need when I'm surrounded

[All I Need, Bethany Dillon]

I just need to gush that God is amazing. There's stuff going on that I can't really get into at the moment, but I'm so grateful that God has been working in me, increasing my faith that He is good and has a plan.

First, here is an incredibly amazing verse that has really been such a comfort to me; God is such a great minister:

For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear,
Nor has the eye seen a God besides You,
Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him. [Isaiah 64:4]

I've never heard or seen the God who acts on my behalf; never seen or heard the things He wants to do in me and through me. Astounding, mind-boggling, consuming-- that is what my God is.

And I love the little addition Paul makes to this verse in I Corinthians 2:9 (the addition is boldface):

but just as it is written,
"THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD,
AND which HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN,
ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM."

I REALLY love how the New Living Translation words the little addition:

..and no mind has imagined...

No mind has imagined! I haven't even imagined the amazing and incredible things God has for me. Not matter how things may appear to my puny human understanding, I know that God loves me and has amazing things in store for me.

So, not matter what may come, I am His and I rest in Him. Knowing Him has been far better than anything else in my life, and I embrace all that is to come- no matter what it is. I love my God, I love my life, and I love Jason.

That's all I need, and it's more than enough.

If you left it up to me every day would be a holiday from real

[Holiday from Real, Jack's Mannequin]

I could use a holiday from real. I just had one, and am paying the price as busy-ness makes me feel ready to implode. Blech. So, since it's list Thursday, you can read my to-do list.

• Plan out how to get my kids through the entirety of the novel The Giver in four days. *sigh*
  
  
• Write a comprehensive study guide to hand out on Monday.
  
  
• Plan a really stupendously awesome review game for Thursday.
  
  
• Write the Final that my students will take as follows--
• First period - Friday, 01/12
  
• Third period - Wednesday, 01/17
  
• Fourth period - Thursday, 01/18
• I don't have a second period, so Tuesday, 01/16, will probably be me proctoring another teacher's End 0f C0urse exam... aka sitting in a room and making sure he/she doesn't help the students cheat.
  
  
• Get a head start on photocopying stuff that my new students will do when we start the new semester on January 24 (so all of the first day / have your parents sign this / here's how this class works stuffs)
  
  
• Write a kick-arse copy of my resume (aka start from scratch)
  
  
• Fill out the application for a TF@ recruiting position (by the 15, but I'd really like to get this done early somehow)
  
  
• Write out a bunch of TF@ follow-up follow-up (yes, twice on purpose) e-mails that will be fairly time consuming so I keep putting it off but people who said they would apply haven't started apps *sigh*
  
  
  
• CLEAN MY ROOM... all clothes put away, all Christmas acquired items in their new places, rearrange bookshelves to accommodate all my books, etc
  
  
• Stay up on e-mailing friends
  
  
• Have an artsy day Sunday with Liz to try and de-stress some
  
  
• Stop sucking at life and actually call my grandparents
  
  
• Continually keep my relationship with my beloved Jason in good standing and make sure he knows how much I love him
  
  
• Keep working out hard-core, high-impact, sweat-pouring workouts for an hour a day
  
  
• Take the time to keep preparing good, healthy, fiber and protein and calcium rich foods
  
  
• Sleep???
  
  
• Pray and keep having quality QT's (Quiet Times) with my Christ, who is my life
  
  
• Tutor after school every day next week, Monday-Thursday until at least 5
  
  
• Have a TF@ recruiting call on Wednesday the 10 that will be at least an hour
  
  
• Pack and plan and be ready to go recruit at L1nf1eld College the 18-22
  
  
• Have my kids' grades COMPLETELY done by the time I walk out the door at 3 on Thursday the 22... and my last final, mind you, is being taken only a few hours before that. Ode to joy!
  
  
• Finally behold the love of my life with my eyes on January 19!!
  
  
• Make time for the return of 24, American Idol, LOST, and keep up with The Office!!
  
  
• SNAP! Watch the last three episodes of 24 that I missed last season but have on iTunes and on my iPod
  
  
• Add 10 hours to each day.
  
  
• Keep being awesome and not feel like taking a bathroom break is sin.
  

Yikesabee. That was a lot. But it felt good to type it all out. I guess I had better get to it, huh?

And I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have

[I Need You to Love Me, BarlowGirl]

I am so blessed. Amazing things are happening in my life. There's one relationship that is changing my life for the better and I'll never be the same now that this person has become a part of me. There's another that's less enjoyable; I can't really share details, but God is really working on my heart concerning a difficult relationship. He convicted me today in my quiet time about the fact that every Christian- regardless of his/her spiritual gifts, personality, socio-economic status, station in life, nationality, location, occupation, etc- is called to one common ministry. That ministry is the ministry of reconciliation; every single blood-bought believer of Christ is called to bring restoration of relationship between humans and God. I certainly don't often enough say the words (nor think the thoughts) that keep this reconciliation at the forefront of my daily doings. I want to be more intentional about this, however, and pray that I will.

Also, I am seeing the deep need to remember that I am a steward of all things in my life. Not a single thing in my life is meant for my own personal gain. Sure, I try to remember that I'm a steward of the money and material possessions that God has blessed me with, but I forget that I am also to be a steward of EVERYTHING. I do not own my personality- I am to be a steward of it. I am a steward of my talents, the Word of God, the relationships Christ has blessed me with... ALL things. A steward is responsible to carefully make sure that they use what they have been entrusted with to bring profit and glory to the Master. I can't honestly say I intentionally live this way in my daily life. Again, however, I pray that I will :)

Finally, the Bible study I am currently doing is called LORD, Give Me a Heart for You by Kay Arthur. I love what she wrote in this paragraph that I read this morning:

I think it would be good if every morning, before we ever put our feet on the floor or rise from our bed, we would make the conscious decision that this day, no matter what the discipline, the cost, we are going to live for Christ. It would be the first commitment of the day, spoken aloud- a confession with our mouths from our hearts.

Don't you love that? I do. I'm going to try to start doing it. I might have to shut my alarm off first. Maybe not. But I plan to start doing this. Feel free to ask me periodically if I have.

In other news, I went to the doctor today. My bloodwork showed no abnormalities, though the lab forgot to do the one test that would help show if it's a certain ovarian issue. However, my doctor was alarmed to hear that the muscle relaxers didn't work (so it's almost certainly not a muscle spasm issue), and that when I had HORRIBLE cramps this weekend the 2,000 mg of Tylenol that finally curbed the cramps had zero effect on my mystery back pain. I have to go get a CT scan on Thursday morning (at 7, in Hender$0n, which means I have to leave at like 5:45 AND find a teacher to cover my first period class- boo!). And this is now my daily regimen of pills:

1,000 mg Tylenol
Wait four hours
600 mg Motrin
Wait four hours
2 Aleve tablets
Start back at Tylenol

All day, every day. Ode to joy, huh? I know, I need to stop complaining. It's just frustrating. But, as Paul talked about having a thorn in his flesh, in his side, I have a literal pain in my right side, so I need to let God use it to bring me closer to Him. I do trust Him- be this something small and easily fixed or something more serious. I am in His hands, and my life is His to do with as He pleases. I want to just say, "I'm sure I'll be fine", due to fear of sounding overdramatic if this isn't an actual serious medical issue. But I refuse to play this up OR downplay it. What it comes down to is that I am Christ's and I trust Him.

I was reminded of something this week- it is in Christ that I live and move and have my being. He died for all, so that they [I] who live might no longer live for themselves [myself], but for Him who died and rose again on their [my] behalf. The love of Christ controls me. To live is Christ and to die is gain!

I pray I would live each day on this earth becoming more and more prepared for the Day when I stand before Christ and give an account for all I have done. I pray I would keep the eternal things in mind as I walk through this earthly existence.

PS Happy birthday Brendo!!

PPS Happy second anniversary Darla and Daryn!!