I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

[For You I Will (Confidence), Teddy Geiger]

Ok, you've been waiting. I know you've all been waiting. So, finally, the Jason post.

The week before we met I was kind of irritable. I think the pressures of normal life- finishing the semester, saying goodbye to my students, etc- were mounting, not to mention the fact that the "what ifs" started to set in. What if he doesn't think I'm attractive? What if things are weird in person? What if there's no chemistry? What if I don't like his family and church? What if they don't like me? What if I don't like him? What if he doesn't like me? What if everything actually is really great and this is all for real but then God makes it clear that this simply isn't His will? What if we meet and it's wonderful and then I say good-bye and never see him again and that's all we have, ever?

It was all heavy, just sitting there like a gargantuan piece of lead squashing my heart. Jas was struggling with such things and general life stresses as well, and we didn't argue, per se, but things were a little strained all week. Then I had all of my recruiting going on, and what felt like trillions of airports and layovers and the whole bit. It was yuck.

Soon enough, though, it was Saturday night and I was walking around Sea-Tac, trying to figure out which baggage claim was mine, knowing that he would be waiting for me there. Finally, I saw him, a tall handsome man, attractively dressed, and I knew immediately that it was him. He saw me at about the same moment, and I went to him as he came toward me and we embraced. The first thing I noticed was how amazing his scent was. Then, upon pulling back, I immediately handed over my ridiculously heavy laptop bag and we went to sit and wait for my checked bag to come by on the conveyor belt.

Things were fairly normal and comfortable right away. He wanted to gaze at me and I wasn't quite ready for that, but we just sat close and felt the glorious feeling of our bodies touching after 6 months of being 3,000 miles apart. Finally, my bag came and we went to his truck and drove the 45 or so minute drive back to his apartment. Upon arriving there he gave me the mini-tour and took me over near the fireplace to show me his [uber-dorky] meats identification plaque he won in 4H in high school. Then he pulled me close, gazed into my eyes, told me that he loved me, and kissed me. It was beautiful.

He took me back to his room, where he had presents for me (various sweet things from Bath and Body Works, including a back massager, a lovely card, The Devil Wears Prada, and a breathtaking bouquet of a dozen red roses in a vase) and a clean room for me to settle into.

That night we didn't sleep. We just stayed up the whole night, enjoying actually being together. We prayed together, which was WONDERFUL! Church was rough going, but it was wonderful. I loved everything- how real everyone was, the worship, the sermon, the feeling of family and home... it was amazing. It was just glorious. I went to lunch with his family (uncle, aunt, cousins... pretty much his closest family) and I just felt like I was meant to be with them. We watched some football (poor Saints :( ) and then I could tell Jas was itching to get me alone. When we left his whole family hugged me and his uncle said, "Welcome to the family". It was so sweet!

We then watched football (sad day for my Pats. Sad, sad, tragic day.), ate pizza, and then watched 50 First Dates. Cute first movie to watch with the love of your life. Then we actually did sleep that night (he's a sweetie and let me have his bed, while he pretended that the couch is actually comfortable for a man who is nearly 6'5" tall). Monday we just enjoyed a slow morning together, watched the first season of The Office, and just pretty much took our time of just enjoying one another. Then I packed for the trip home and he took me out to dinner in downtown Seattle, to Ivar's on the waterfront. It was so sweet of him- he totally remembered that I love seafood :)

We took a walk down one of the piers (around the 51st or so) and took some pictures of the two of us together with the lights of downtown Seattle behind us. It was wonderful. Finally, we had to go to the airport, so I checked in and then we sat out near the ticket counters in as secluded a corner as we could find for as long as possible. He had to give my Gonzaga sweatshirt back (he was wearing it because I wanted him to) and then I had to tear myself away from him and go through security. When we said good-bye I told him how proud I was of us, that neither of us cried. He then turned away kind of abruptly and left... I stood in line, watching him walk the opposite direction of the way I was going and began to cry. Remember, I don't cry easily at real life, and certainly not when it's my own life. I can cry for other people, or at church, but I almost NEVER cry because I'm sad. But to see him leave just... ached.

I cried pretty much the whole way home, in between restless bouts of sleep usually only 15-20 minutes in length on my flight from Se@tle to Atl@nta.

I haven't cried since the day we said good-bye, but I miss him. I love him. I'm going to marry him. He's the one, the love of my life, my soul mate. I can't wait until we live in the same place and I never have to go more than 24 hours without seeing him... I really can't wait until I fall asleep in his arms and then wake up in them. I miss the feeling of being embraced by him, his height making me feel small, his smell, his caress, his kiss... just him. Only 67 days until he comes here for my Spring Break. I can hardly wait. I love that man :)

But, for now, that's your low down. Things were great, he's amazing, and methinks that in 9 1/2 months or so I'll be walking down the aisle to become his wife.


Lord, haste the day.

Again, a heed to fight injustice.

No one has commented on the previous post, nor does it appear per my tracking software that anyone exited my blog by reading more about the movement to serve justice and set Genarlow Wilson free.

I'm asking you to join the fight. Help free Genarlow Wilson. He's an honor student and start athlete who is serving a ten year jail sentence for receiving oral sex from a 15 year old when he was 17. Granted, he made a poor choice in doing so, but it's absolutely horrific that he is serving a ten year jail sentence. Help him get his life back to be the outstanding young man in society that he should be but is robbed of the ability to become while in prison.

Again, my baby wrote a blog about this if you want more detail, with links to articles and videos and such:

http://thirstfordiscipline.blogspot.com/2007/01/system-has-failed.html


If you'd rather, you can just go to this site and sign the petition to free Genarlow Wilson:

http://www.wilsonappeal.com/petition.php


You have the opportunity to fight injustice and to see a man be given back his life. I ask you to think about these words:

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to stand by and do nothing. - Edmund Burke


Spread the word. There are Facebook groups to join, you can repost this blog or link people to it. Put a bulletin on MySpace. E-mail your friends. Stop this evil.

Don't do nothing.

Fight Injustice

My baby posted this; I pointed his attention to it. I agree with him and you should join in the fight to free Genarlow Wilson and restore him to justice. Go here to check it out:

http://thirstfordiscipline.blogspot.com/2007/01/system-has-failed.html

And a real blog post is coming... I'm just SUPER busy with school right now! Sorry :(

I'll Stay With You

[Stay With You, Goo Goo Dolls]

I know everyone's dying for an update. I'm exhausted, have jet lag, and a horrible headache which was barely touched by large amounts of Tylenol. But here's the condensed version:

He's wonderful. I love him. We will get married, I have no doubt. He's God's best for me, and I for him.

Details are to come, but rest assured that I had a wonderful weekend with the world's most amazing man. My heart is heavy because the next time my eyes will behold his person- and my lips enjoy the beauty of meeting with his- is 72 long days away. But the time will come. I love him.

72 and counting.

PS I LOVE Seattle. Love. It. Bothell too :)

Quickies

1) I absolutely love recruiting! Yesterday went really well. Omaha's not such a bad place :)

2) I received notice that I've been accepted for an initial interview with TF@ for a Recru1tment D1rector position!!

3) Tonight's the big night with Jas! 15 hours and counting :) And I get to be in my favorite city!

4) I simply cannot stop listening to My Savior My God by Aaron Shust. Go get this song!

PS GO PATRIOTS!!

Sometimes it's hard to breathe...

... just knowing you found me.

[With You, Jessica Simpson]

I can certifiably say that's the only Jessica Simpson song I like. Only one. It's rather fitting of my post I'm about to write, though :)

I'm currently doing a Bible study with some other young female teachers (mostly other TF@ers) by Beth Moore called Breaking Free. It's a great study and the Lord is really using it in my life. It seems that what God does in me individually seems to always parallel what He's doing in Jason and I as a couple, and this week was no exception.

On Tuesday night we were talking about the day in the study in which we focused on finding satisfaction in God. One question was, "What is the most satisfying part of your relationship with God?". AB wanted to know each person's answers, and a lot of the gals said awesome stuff, like knowing He is the answer to all things in life- simply The Answer, or that we have victory in Him, etc. I thought about my answer knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the most satisfying part of my relationship with Jesus Christ is knowing that He is my everything.

This was particularly clear because I had just proclaimed this to Jason about an hour before we arrived at that question during Bible study. I am a blessed woman because Jason loves me deeply and wants to treasure me and always esteem me as a precious jewel whom he will cherish for the rest of his life. I know many women don't have that, and I am truly blessed. The negative side to this, though, is that Jas holds himself to extremely rigid and high standards, so if he lets me down even the slightest bit then he is crushed. Ninety-nine percent of the time he's far more upset than I am in this, and Tuesday was no exception. I actually found myself extremely angry with him and... well, I let him know it.

He began trying to explain why he was so upset with himself, how he hates to let me down because he wants to be my man, to be perfectly everything I need. I simply had to stop him... normally I don't interrupt him, but I just had to. I told him that he's not my everything and that he never will be. He'll never be perfect, and he'll never fulfill me or even begin to touch the void in my heart that leaves me rendered helplessly incomplete on my own. Jesus Christ alone is all of this- and more- in my life. God fulfills me, makes me complete, and makes me whole. He has blessed me with the most amazing man in Jason, and for that I am truly grateful.

Understand that I do know Jason needs to strive to be the best man he can be- but he needs to be the best man he can be in accordance to God's will. Jas knows that he can't fulfill me, and he wasn't trying to be my God. It was amazing, though, to hear myself saying those words-- "Jason, God alone is my everything. He fulfills me, makes me whole, and completes me. You'll never be perfect, and you'll never be able to do what God can in my life"-- and to know that I meant them with every ounce of my being.

God is my God; Jason is my man. In 3 1/2 hours I board a plane for Omaha to recruit for TF@, and Saturday I board a plane for Seattle where I will spend 2 glorious whole days with my man.
Yay. :)

How Humble Your Love

[Wonderful Maker, Jeremy Camp]

..to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes...
[from Isaiah 61:3, NIV]

There is so much to say, but only limited time exists in which to say it. I promised three blog posts a week and I'm pretty sure last week was only two. My bad. But SO MUCH has been happening. Yowza.

For now, I can delve into the details I alluded to in my previous post. For weeks (months?) the plan has been to see Jason when I go to recruit for TF@ near P0rtland, 0R this upcoming weekend. Only... scratch that. I received a call last week and, due to scheduling conflicts, it was realized that I'd have almost no one to meet with. Thus, it was up in the air as to where I would go. They still wanted to send me somewhere, they just weren't sure where. The Midwest was mentioned more than once as a possibility. Aka... far, far from the Pacific Northwest.

I had mentioned in a previous conversation (with the same woman- let's call her Shannon) that I was planning to do some personal stuffs in the evenings while in P0rtland in addition to my recruiting efforts during the day. Shannon asked about these plans, and while I knew Jas might be a little crushed at the news, I was able with full confidence to say that my number one priority was to recruit and serve her in any way I could, and that while I was really looking forward to seeing my pal Brendo and my wonderful boyfriend, they were simply not my ultimate motivation. She said she'd work out whatever she could, and would send me where she most needed me, and I just had peace that God's best was in store regardless.

I had Jas call and broke the news that there was a distinct possibility that I might not be able to finally see him this weekend. It was a sweet testimony, however, because earlier that same evening I was talking with my roommate (I call her Elili) and telling her about my confidence that no matter what happens in life, He has His best in store for me. Last spring I thought I had met the man I would marry, but when God revealed that this man simply believed false doctrine I had to make the painful choice to surrender what I thought was love, something that once I thought was God's best.

Though it goes against what would make sense by man's standards, within 6 weeks the Lord brought Jason into my life, and I now see that I was given beauty in exchange for ashes. I know, it's ironic that the first guy's name was Dusty, but he was mere ashes in contrast to the absolutely beautiful relationship that I have with Jason. And, as a side note, a check of Dusty's MySpace a while ago showed that he met someone else who, presumably, shares his doctrine and is a great fit for him and he proposed to her, so while I'll never have contact with him again, I do hope that he feels that he received beauty for ashes when I left his life; I don't want my calling him ashes to seem like a put down of any sort. We simply were meant to be together for a time, I learned from it, and moved on, hopefully he did too, and that's ok!

So... back to the point! I was able to testify in faith to Elili that sometimes what seems perfect (like, say, a job recruiting full time for TF@! My dream job! I'm praying and trusting God! And, of course, I applied :) ) ends up seeming almost worthless in comparison to what God has in store for us. When I wrote the previous blog post I didn't know what would happen with this upcoming weekend, but had just prayed with Jason on the phone, and we both knew that regardless of the outcome, God's best awaited us.

The next day I heard back from TF@. I'm going to be recruiting Friday and Saturday at Creight0n University in... Omaha, Nebraska. And that's totally great! It's God's best!

***

Now, before you get bummed for me, Shannon was so blessed by my willingness to simply serve her in whatever capacity she needed me to that she worked it out so that I'll fly to Omaha Thursday night to recruit for those two days, but then Saturday night I'll fly to... Se@ttle!! I'll be able to be in my beloved city with my beloved man, meet his family that lives there, go to church with him, and see his stomping grounds. His roomies have even agreed to let me stay there (my wonderful and loving man will take up residence on the couch and give me the respite and privacy of his room... which is REALLY sweet considering he's 6'5" tall and I'm pretty sure the man just doesn't fit on a couch!). He's pretty great like that :) I'm just happy I'll be with him, in Se@ttle, able to go to what will probably become my home church in five months, and just... be with him!

How wonderful is that? Our plans of P0rtland, which seemed like the best thing ever only a week ago now seem like ashes compared to the beauty in what actually was God's intent all along. I fully believe we can enjoy His blessing because we chose Him, and chose to believe Him and refused to feel sorry for ourselves or like we were missing out on something great. God is so good, and so faithful.

Oh, and how well does my man know me-- plans are already in the works to watch the AFC championship game Sunday afternoon (GO PATS!! TOM BRADY IS A ROCK STAR!! I LOVES ME SOME NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!!!) and even to splurge from my healthy regimen for some pizza, sprinkled with the possibility of some stolen kisses during commercial breaks :)

[Insert: I'm painstakingly moving out of the period of mourning over our heartbreaking loss to Chicago on Sunday; I'll ALWAYS love my Seahawks and though I'm rather sad that we didn't win I embrace the knowledge that next fall will come... maybe we're just meant to win Superbowl XLII in '08. But it still hurts. *sniff*]

I love Jason with all of my heart. God has blessed me with him, and I'm amazed that a man like him even exists, let alone is in love with me. I can't believe that in 97 hours I'll be in his arms.

I pray I would NEVER cling to ashes and miss out on the beauty God intends to bless me with.

You are all I need when I'm surrounded

[All I Need, Bethany Dillon]

I just need to gush that God is amazing. There's stuff going on that I can't really get into at the moment, but I'm so grateful that God has been working in me, increasing my faith that He is good and has a plan.

First, here is an incredibly amazing verse that has really been such a comfort to me; God is such a great minister:

For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear,
Nor has the eye seen a God besides You,
Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him. [Isaiah 64:4]

I've never heard or seen the God who acts on my behalf; never seen or heard the things He wants to do in me and through me. Astounding, mind-boggling, consuming-- that is what my God is.

And I love the little addition Paul makes to this verse in I Corinthians 2:9 (the addition is boldface):

but just as it is written,
"THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD,
AND which HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN,
ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM."

I REALLY love how the New Living Translation words the little addition:

..and no mind has imagined...

No mind has imagined! I haven't even imagined the amazing and incredible things God has for me. Not matter how things may appear to my puny human understanding, I know that God loves me and has amazing things in store for me.

So, not matter what may come, I am His and I rest in Him. Knowing Him has been far better than anything else in my life, and I embrace all that is to come- no matter what it is. I love my God, I love my life, and I love Jason.

That's all I need, and it's more than enough.

Run, baby, run, just as fast as you can

[Run, Baby, Run, Jason Upton]

This morning I prayed for my family (as well as Jason's). I try to be consistent about praying for them, but at times can be a little lame about it. Or a lot lame, actually. But this morning I did pray. One prayer I pray in particular is that God would surround my family with Christians who love Him and walk in His truth, to speak truth into their lives. Just as Jesus found that Nazareth was the most difficult place to be a witness for God (Matthew 13:57, Mark 6:4), I have found that it's most difficult for my own family to see me as a woman in love with the Lord and not just as the snotty, insecure child and teenager I once was. Thus, I pray that God would continually bring more people into the lives of my family, to live out His truth before them as I seek to do the same.

I haven't really heard much about how my brother has been lately, other than he lost his job and might get kicked out of his apartment since his roommate was thinking of moving back to Michigan to be with his own family. This morning as I prayed, I wondered if my brother might be able to go there, too. I wasn't sure about things like probation and/or parole (he served a few months in prison as a result of some poor choices he made), but the thought did occur that maybe what would be best for would be to just get away and start over. I didn't think much of this though, and continued praying.

Earlier my mom forwarded me an e-mail from my brother in which he basically said that he lost his apartment since his roommate was leaving for Michigan, so he also got on a bus and now is in Kalamazoo at a local homeless shelter. The shelter (I'm not including the name for his own privacy) is one wholly intent on sharing the Gospel with people, doing Bible studies and ministering to people with broken pasts. My brother's past is quite similar to my own and I don't believe he's been able to experience the healing in Christ that I have.

What an incredible answer to prayer, right? I wrote him an e-mail and really just shared my heart with him in a way that I never have, seeking to bridge the gap and restore our relationship. I was honest about my own issues with him in the past, resenting and mistreating him. I pray that God would break my brother wide open and deal with the issues at hand and change him from the inside out. Please join me in that prayer, if you feel so led. His name is Sc0tt, and I pray most fervently that God uses this time in his life to bring my brother face to face with Jesus Christ Himself, in all His Truth and Glory, and for my brother to repent of his sin, receive Christ as His personal Lord, Savior, and Master, and to begin a new fruit-filled chapter in my brother's life.

Thank you for joining me, to those who do.

Breaking Down the Day :)

Today has been RIDICULOUSLY productive. Here's the general rundown.

7-something AM: Alarm starts going off about an hour and a half before I thought I had it set to go off. I, of course, just turned it all the way off instead of messing with the snooze button, figuring I'd wake up around 9.

10-something AM: Of COURSE I sleep more than I meat to. I finally wake up again. Decide to lie in bed for a few minutes.

12:30 PM: I finally wake up for real. Whoops. I go upstairs and make a super healthy breakfast- some cheese and chive Better Than Eggs with onions, mushrooms, and garlic sauteed in a wee bit o' Pam, then a slice of cheese (I get Tillamook slices from Costco-- it's a great way to do portion control!) and some raw spinach cooked in. Yummy!

1-4 PM: I worked, worked, worked on schoolio related stuffs. I made Monday's review packet, wrote my final, and changed the dates on all the first-days-of-school handouts that I need to give out when the new semester starts on the 24th of this month.

4-7ish PM: Liz and Bec and I went to GC*P, a KI*PP school (K*IPP stands for Knowledge is P0wer Pr0gram-- it's a bunch of charter schools founded by TF@ alumni) about a half hour away that is awesome and let's TF*A'ers make unlimited free photocopies. I got ALL of my copies done through... goodness... at least the first few days of school. YAY!! Awesome, right? I only have one teensy little project, where at the end of every semester I give each student a letter written from me to their class, sort of an inspirational "keep up the great work and keep in touch and I'm so proud of you" type thing. I need to write and copy those but that will be easy. Oh, the sick thing though-- I used 3 reams of paper. AKA 1,500 pages. Yikes, right?

7ish to 8:30ish: I made dinner and ate it (a yummy turkey burger on a whole wheat bun) as the Seahawks game played in the background, while talking to Tammy and Lucas (they stopped by for a bit en route to some party on the lake being thrown by some first years). This all took a long time due to a little hanging out and such :)

8:45-10 PM: I worked out hard, running on the elliptical for just over 30 minutes and then doing all sorts of crunches, arms (weights), kicks, etc etc etc for about 45 minutes. All this was done while watching the Seahawks.

10:43 PM: Sweet, right? I know. But now I'm watching Seattle play and they're playing games with my heart. We get HUGE plays, particularly gutsy ones going for it on fourth down, but then we give up a kickoff return TD. Then we get first and goal from the one and don't score. NOW we seem to have a touchdown on a fumble recovery in the end zone. Lofa Tatupu is my hero for going for that ball, no matter what the call is. I s'pose this is a running blog of what happens in the game, now :) I shall do that as I clean up my stuff on the fireplace hearth (we never use the upstairs fireplace- or the downstairs one, for that matter- so I keep a whole bunch of stuff there next to where I sit up here, and I want to clean it all up :) )

10:49 PM: Ok, so they say Lofa's foot was on the line (and it was) but it's a safety so we get two points and the ball back. Yay, though not quite as yay as if we had gotten a touchdown! Still, Lofa's TOTALLY my hero! Well done, Lofa!

10:53 PM: TOUCHDOWN!! Hasselbeck to Stevens! Yes!!!

*Insert screaming and dancing. I'm. Not. Kidding.*

But the bummer is we missed the two-point conversion so a field goal for Dallas could win it... here's to supporting that Seahawks DEFENSE!!!!

11:04 PM: Just inside the two-minute warning. They are SO close to a touchdown. I feel kind of sick. I want to win.

11:19 PM: We won. I don't know how. But we pulled that one out. My heart is racing, my hands shaking, my head pounding.

Oye.

Go SEAHAWKS!!!

And, to end, tomorrow I'll clean my room and then enjoy a long day of fun, relaxed artsy-craftsyness. Yay!! And watch the Patriots, of course... GO PATS!!

Wisdom on my part, methinks

So two boys just beat the living izz-h out of one another just outside my door. I was supposed to be at my door but a student had asked for something that I was getting for them in the back of my classroom and literally 30 seconds later my class was all crammed up at the door. I pushed through, forced them into the classroom and barked, "Sit down or else." Most obeyed. I pulled others into my classroom in the ruckus.

I stood at my door and took note of the other 5 or so female teachers also smart enough to not try and break up two football player sized boys, both much stronger than I am and in adrenaline-infused 'fight or flight' mode, throwing furious fists around and smashing one another's heads into the wall. I chose to make sure the fight had been called in... just as girls were starting to shriek, "Break it up!" (seriously... smashing a head into a cylinder block wall does not look or sound pretty, and it was a pretty evenly matched fight with both boys busting into the other one... I can't believe how much damage was done in a simple sixty seconds) two male teachers ran through and pulled the boys apart. I returned a shoe to one of them and started yelling, "Get to class!" as students immediately broke out in excited chatter, retelling every. Single. Little. Tiny. Detail. Of what they saw. Praise God that somehow my kids settled in quickly and now are silently reading their novels (The Giver) for the first 20 minutes of class.

It's scary that two boys were just seriously busting one another up literally 5-20 feet from where my students sit.



Wow. I forget that this isn't supposed to be normal.

EDIT: So I just heard that not only was there another fight in the cafeteria during lunch, but then another one almost broke out down the hall from my room literally five minutes later with two different kids. The cause of the fight outside of my room? One kid accidentally bumped into another on their way to class and it escalated into a brawl. The two kids don't even know one another.

Like I said, this isn't supposed to be normal, commonplace, sane. It's insanity embraced and accepted by the fast majority of students at my school as an enhancement to the average day. I call it a tragedy, particularly because every single kid involved was a young, black male. My stomach is literally sick that it's even becoming part of the usual routine for me to see this happen.

If you left it up to me every day would be a holiday from real

[Holiday from Real, Jack's Mannequin]

I could use a holiday from real. I just had one, and am paying the price as busy-ness makes me feel ready to implode. Blech. So, since it's list Thursday, you can read my to-do list.

• Plan out how to get my kids through the entirety of the novel The Giver in four days. *sigh*
  
  
• Write a comprehensive study guide to hand out on Monday.
  
  
• Plan a really stupendously awesome review game for Thursday.
  
  
• Write the Final that my students will take as follows--
• First period - Friday, 01/12
  
• Third period - Wednesday, 01/17
  
• Fourth period - Thursday, 01/18
• I don't have a second period, so Tuesday, 01/16, will probably be me proctoring another teacher's End 0f C0urse exam... aka sitting in a room and making sure he/she doesn't help the students cheat.
  
  
• Get a head start on photocopying stuff that my new students will do when we start the new semester on January 24 (so all of the first day / have your parents sign this / here's how this class works stuffs)
  
  
• Write a kick-arse copy of my resume (aka start from scratch)
  
  
• Fill out the application for a TF@ recruiting position (by the 15, but I'd really like to get this done early somehow)
  
  
• Write out a bunch of TF@ follow-up follow-up (yes, twice on purpose) e-mails that will be fairly time consuming so I keep putting it off but people who said they would apply haven't started apps *sigh*
  
  
  
• CLEAN MY ROOM... all clothes put away, all Christmas acquired items in their new places, rearrange bookshelves to accommodate all my books, etc
  
  
• Stay up on e-mailing friends
  
  
• Have an artsy day Sunday with Liz to try and de-stress some
  
  
• Stop sucking at life and actually call my grandparents
  
  
• Continually keep my relationship with my beloved Jason in good standing and make sure he knows how much I love him
  
  
• Keep working out hard-core, high-impact, sweat-pouring workouts for an hour a day
  
  
• Take the time to keep preparing good, healthy, fiber and protein and calcium rich foods
  
  
• Sleep???
  
  
• Pray and keep having quality QT's (Quiet Times) with my Christ, who is my life
  
  
• Tutor after school every day next week, Monday-Thursday until at least 5
  
  
• Have a TF@ recruiting call on Wednesday the 10 that will be at least an hour
  
  
• Pack and plan and be ready to go recruit at L1nf1eld College the 18-22
  
  
• Have my kids' grades COMPLETELY done by the time I walk out the door at 3 on Thursday the 22... and my last final, mind you, is being taken only a few hours before that. Ode to joy!
  
  
• Finally behold the love of my life with my eyes on January 19!!
  
  
• Make time for the return of 24, American Idol, LOST, and keep up with The Office!!
  
  
• SNAP! Watch the last three episodes of 24 that I missed last season but have on iTunes and on my iPod
  
  
• Add 10 hours to each day.
  
  
• Keep being awesome and not feel like taking a bathroom break is sin.
  

Yikesabee. That was a lot. But it felt good to type it all out. I guess I had better get to it, huh?

For any girls (or guys) who just love a good chick flick, check out these killer deals on Amazon, courtesy TamTheRockStar:

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days [this is a personal fave!!] - $6.99
My Big Fat Greek Wedding - $7.47
The Wedding Singer - $6.47
You've Got Mail - $6.47

I know, I'm awesome. And don't forget that Amazon has free shipping over $25 :)

And no, they didn't pay me to do this!

Non-New Year's Resolutions

So I had a realization- I suddenly suck at blogging. It used to be a great thing, right? See what's up with Tamalam. Somewhere I started sucking. I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions because, while January 1 is a rather convenient marker for time purposes, it seems to me that if I need to do something differently in my life then I need to do it today- be it May 12 or July 16 or September 2. But... today just so happens to be January 1... well, technically yesterday was, being as I'm writing this at 2 am. But the fact is, I need to blog more. So I'm resolving to. At least 3 a week. It's a big goal. Big, hairy, and audacious even. But I need to do it.

Other things I need to do (or start doing)...

- Keep working out. I ran for 42 minutes without stopping on the elliptical yesterday, then did weights, and played hard-core-sweat-dripping-down-my-face DDR for 50 minutes or so today. My deal with Jas is working out 5 times a week, and I'm trying to push those to the 45-60 minutes range. Plus, to just be totally honest, it's looking more and more certain that I'll likely be getting married in November and if I'm going to lose serious weight the time is now.

- Stay in control of my eating. I had the realization in college that I couldn't one day "let myself go" as some women do, typically post-marriage, because I had nothing to let go of. I had no self-control. I keep honing in on it more and more, and I need to stay on top of it.

- Stick to a very tight budget. I need to move across the nation in June, and then likely be paying for a wedding (with as much assistance as is humanly possible from Jason) in November so I have no excuse! I have been better about this but it's time to buckle down!

- E-mail my friends. I used to be a rock star at this. Now I suck at it. I have a dear friend named Becky from home and she wrote me on November 1 and I still haven't replied. The e-mail sits in my inbox and screams "REPLY TO ME" and I keep putting it off because I think she deserves a full on and in-depth e-mail. At this point, though, it's safe to assume she just wants to hear that I'm alive. Ugh. I suck. Therefore, I am putting a one week turnaround on all e-mails. Yikes. This from the girl who used to reply to every e-mail the second she got it... though that was mainly due to procrastinating in college :)

- Keep being hella awesome.

- Actually lesson plan. Not just know what I'm doing, but write actual lesson plans. Not sure why I stopped doing this, but somehow I did. Whoops.

- Start actually using my Netflix subscription. Who pays $17 a month to watch 1 movie? Yep, that'd be me. But I got 6 months free from Becalec's parents for Christmas, so I need to actually get their money's worth out of it!

- Read more. I have a plethora of amazing books that I've never read, or that I've read once umpteen years ago. Sick. So each night I plan to read at least a chapter of whatever book I'm currently reading :)

So... those are my priorities. I know everyone wants to lose weight and be better with money, but mine are for actual real reasons, like getting married and stuff. I hope that by 2008 my body never sees a number over 200 pounds ever again. But when I put my mind to things I succeed so here I come.

I can't really be hurt that no one ever comments on my blogs anymore since there never are any to read. But you have my word- at least 3 a week. So come here more often. And leave a comment. If you do all of your wildest dreams will come true. You have my word. Scout's honor.

PS Congrats to Boise State! That was an AWESOME game! I've never been that excited for a team that I don't particularly care about! And plus you have sweet colors, so well done :)

You're the only one

[It's Not Over, Daughtry]

I know it seems as though I have fallen off the face of the earth, or died, or sprouted wings and flown to a new life. None of the above are true. I'm still on earth, I'm alive, and I just checked and nothing has grown onto my back.

That said... something has changed. I'm in love. I always swore I wouldn't become one of those girls who falls in love and no one else matters anymore... but I have become that at least a little bit. I had almost no free time, as it were, because of my job. But now that I have the most amazingly wonderful man in the world in my life I have even less free time... I love it though.

Because I love him.

I have long been mostly quiet about Jas, just mentioning him mostly in passing or just intentionally not really being explicit. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the man I will marry. He is certain he will marry me. He actually already knows how and when he's going to propose. I have no idea, other than I was promised that we'll be engaged by the end of July :)

He loves me!

So... our story is simple. I love sports. I don't like Skip Bayless (sportswriter for ESPN) because he knocked on both my Seahawks AND my Ammo (Adam Morrison). One random day in July I decided to write an e-mail to Bill Simmons, ESPN's "Sports Guy", about why Bayless should be fired. But then I realized I wanted to back up the asinine things Bayless had written, so I went to find a little... ammo. I came across a blog in which someone was spouting similar feelings of dislike for ESPN's worst sportswriter. I was impressed with the writing, and then realized through a little blog perusal that this person went to Gonzaga, lived (essentially) in Seattle, and was a Christian. I clicked the link to his MySpace and sent him a message- basically, I pointed out that I loved his hatred of Skip Bayless, and that he seemed like a cool guy.

I was fresh out of my first real relationship, which had ended because the other guy just simply wasn't a nice guy. God used that relationship to teach me SO much about myself, but I simply assumed that I would never be with someone while I lived here in N0rth C@r0lin@. I figured I'd move home to Seattle and meet someone there... someday. I had zero interest in a romantic relationship. Once he wrote back, it was pretty clear between us that it would just be a random MySpace acquaintance. But then... we just replied back and forth, and eventually chatted a little on IM. After about two weeks we had one really amazing conversation on IM... I was like, "He's a cool guy" afterward, but he tells me that he walked away from that convo knowing, clear as day, that he would eventually fall in love with me.

Along the way we kept really trying to ensure that we didn't allow our relationship to be anything more than friends, even when we knew deeper feelings were growing between us. Consistently we tightened boundaries, such as how often we could talk, both praying more and more diligently that we would stay in God's boundaries for us. We didn't even talk on the phone until about 3 months after we had met. We wanted to be uber careful and not cross any boundaries. Then we realized that those lines were self-imposed, and not of God. We accepted that we were in some level of a relationship two months ago, and since then it has grown deeper and deeper. In the last month it has become crystal clear to both of us that we are meant for one another, and that we're meant to marry.

I love him. I love that he wants to close our phone conversations in prayer, and often just randomly says, "Can we pray?" in the middle of one. I love that we are in complete harmony on things like doctrine, finances, life goals, health, etc. I love that he tells me daily about his quiet time and how God is speaking to him. I love that he consistently steps up as spiritual leader, though in some ways his nature would be to step back, and that he already is both able to tell me no and doesn't allow me to manipulate him. I love that I don't want to manipulate him! That I want to trust him and respect him and allow him to lead, all the while encouraging and exhorting him to be the man God made him to be. I love that he sees me as a precious treasure, and that he wants to spoil me and take care of me and protect me and respect me and that he feels like he will simply not be complete until he has made me his wife. *sigh* I am so blessed!

I could gush for years, but it boils down to this: I will marry this man, this wonderful man named Jason. We both know it's true, and any time we have a shred of doubt God confirms all the more that this is of Him. It's the most wonderful experience of my entire life! I feel ready to burst in every direction all at once! And yet I have a deep, calm peace to the center of my soul that Jason is the man I will spend the rest of my life loving and serving. I am honored to call him my own. I am honored to be his.

In June, my beloved will come help me move across the country. Along the way he will meet one of my very closest friends, Darla, who currently resides in Iowa, and then I will meet his father and perhaps a little more of his extended family. And we'll spend three whole days driving otherwise nonstop, and I'll just get to be with him and look at him and know that we can finally actually be together. June cannot come quickly enough. Nor can April when he will come here for my Spring Break to spend time together.

We will meet face to face in 31 days. No, we haven't met face to face. We've logged probably upwards of 300 phone hours and... it's scary to think about how many words in e-mails. Seriously, probably a combined 100,000 words, maybe more (I kid thee not). I know him better than anyone else and he knows me better than anyone else. He literally knows everything about me- even things I normally wouldn't want to tell another soul. I am bare and open before him, and he before me. Finally getting to be in his arms and kiss his wonderful face will be a formality in many ways, though almost magical (if I believed in magic) after all we've otherwise developed.

The fact is, when you know, you know. One reason I believe God allowed my previous relationship is that I thought I knew, yet within me there were numerous doubts and a sense of something not being right... part of the reason I didn't end that relationship was because I didn't want to admit to my friends and family I had been wrong. With Jason, I know. It's good, it's right, it's of God, and he's the one!

Enough of my gushing; here's something he said:

Tami...I don't know what it is about today that has taken my feelings for you to a level I never dreamed it would go. A week ago I was ready to marry you. Now I literally feel incomplete for not having done so already. What we have now is amazing, don't get me wrong. I bask in the glow of all our relationship has taught me, inspired me, shaped me, and enriched me. I live as a man happier than he's ever been and dream of the future like never before. But every moment I'm awake, my dear, especially when I ruminate on those dazzling eyes gazing at me, pouring your love past my physical shell directly into my heart, I feel a longing like never before. A feeling deep in my chest that ebbs and flows, but never dies. A pain not sharp, not stinging, but dull and lingering. Deep down I know that no matter how amazing of a man He may have made me to be, it is nothing without you. Without you I'd flail around this world, fecklessly in search of a love about which I know nothing, hurting myself and others along the way. Without you I'd never reach the center of His will, and my vain attempts to try would drive me to a misery so dark I shudder at its brief appearance in my thoughts. You are inseparable from His will for me. We were meant for one another. Our relationship isn't merely approved by Him, but ordained. I could not truly be a man after His heart apart from you.

Can't you see why I love him? He's wonderful!

So... now you know! Feel free to comment at random. :)

EDIT: Ok, due to request, here's some info about my man :) He's 26 (27 in May), lives in Bothell (a northern suburb of Seattle, essentially), and currently cleans pools by day and delivers food by night for a living (and makes almost three times as much as I do in the process! It just doesn't pay to teach; at least, not in dollars.). Our current ideas for the future are to try to be completely out of debt in 2-3 years and then he'll go to grad school and continue his political degree, likely earning a doctorate in political philosophy, and then working as a poli sci (political science) professor for a college. Ummm... he grew up in western Montana, is 6'5" tall, dark, and gorgeous to boot, works hard, loves his church, loves me, and wants to make me his wife. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have, though :) I could never get tired of talking about him!

I want to update. Only I don't know what to say. Other than I am so, so, so ridiculously happy.

Just happy. And blessed.

Praise God for His love and provision.

And praise God for Jason.

Give me one more chance to be near you

[On Fire, Switchfoot]

I know that I never update anymore. I'd apologize, but the fact is that if I'm forcing myself to write then should I really be writing anyway? I don't think so.

That said, I'm also just usually really busy working and doing work related things. And if I'm not really busy with all that then I'm rebelling against how busy I always am by doing absolutely nothing. Not even "fun" stuff like e-mailing friends and blogging and all that. I just play Snood. Lots and lots of Snood.

This weekend I decided to reinstall XP on my desktop. You see, I had problems last winter so I reinstalled XP but I didn't wipe the hard drive clean, so I ended up with 70+ gigs of stuff on my hard drive and it kept telling me that I couldn't do anything due to low memory. I did a clean install this time, getting rid of EVERYTHING and most of my Friday and Saturday nights have been lived in dedication to getting my computer to where I want it. The nice thing is that it's WAY faster now. Yay. I'm not installing any junk- only things I actually use all the time, like Firefox 2, Google Desktop, Google Talk, and then the random stuff like Shockwave and Flash and Adobe and all that.

Today was spent at a TF@ Professional Development Day. It was a'ight. Afterward, Lizaboo and I went to RoRap, made a Wal-Mart run (I got fun art supplies to be more artsy and to be able to develop my creative side), and then went to dinner. I had some DELICIOUS pizza... as did she. We each ordered our own large pizza and we shared a set of cheesy breadsticks. I think we're awesome. And now we get to eat pizza for breakfast and lunch and maybe even dinner tomorrow. OH, and for my authentic Chinese-food loving friends (aka people who have spent time in China) I bought tomatoes because I am seriously eggs-n-tomatoes DEPRIVED. And I have really good Jasmine rice to eat them with. Oh, yum.

Anyway, post-date with Lizaboo I came home to continue the 92 hour project of fixing my comp. Grr. But I do know that I want to get Windows Vista when it becomes available. And Office 2007. The interfaces for both are SEXY, and, to be honest, Vista looks much more like a Mac interface. And I like Macs but am unwilling to give up things that don't work on Macs. So Windows wins this round.

That said, I still want an iPod so much that I feel a physical ache for one.

Ok, not really. But I do want one pretty much more than any other material item I've ever wanted in my whole life- and I prayed for a new bike for like 2 years before I finally got one for my tenth birthday. I do physically ache for one thing, but he's a man moreso than a thing. Hopefully I shall see and touch him in January when TF@ sends me to recruit in the Portl@nd, 0R area. And then he's coming here for my Spring Break in April- YAY! My roommates can't wait to meet him, because they know what a huge part of my life he has become.

Life is good :) Now, back to the *joy* of fixing my computer. Hopefully there's not too much left to do but reinstall Office... 2000. Old school, I know. That's just the way I have to roll until I have $300 floating around to upgrade to Vista and Office 2007 :)

PS I loves me some Seahawks.

PPS I also dig my Pats and my man Tom Brady

PPPS Gonzaga rocks your face off. Hard.

Sorry, one more post-script, though in posting order it looks like a pre-script.

To the person who posted on "I miss my home"-- I'd love to respond to what you said, to you, but I have no way to get in touch with you. If you reply to this then I'll know you're going to read my response and I'll respond to what you wrote before on that post, or here, or whatever you choose. I haven't been on here much, so I'm sorry if you felt like I was ignoring you! I'd love to talk with you a little if you so desire :)

It's not over

[It's Not Over, Daughtry]

I thought I had so much to say, but now it all seems to have faded. Hmmm.

School has been good- I love my kids, though I'm hitting the downward slope in my desire to keep working so hard. For example, despite the greatest of intentions I just couldn't force myself to work over break. In my defense, though, I am sick. It's a weird illness. I'm a little stuffy, but mostly I have the headache of DEATH, and I ache all over, with a fever to boot so I'll go between feeling ready to boil and then freezing and shaking from (it feels like) within my bones. I know, boo. Oh, but my headache is so bad that it makes me really nauseated and has caused me to throw up twice, from simple things like walking down stairs.

I just have to say that driving is BOO on the east coast around the holidays. Today I wanted to just die. I can't handle stop and go traffic on the freeway. Grrr. Seriously, I-95 is death. But I am so blessed to have been with Becca- at one point I angrily asked why the [jerk who just cut me off] had to be in my lane, because I thought that both lanes became 295 (the loop around Richmond, VA so you don't have to deal with their traffic). Bec informed me of this- that they needed to be in that lane in order to get on 295- and I said, "Bec, I know that I'm going to ask illogical questions with perfectly logical answers, but the fact is that if you give me those logical answers my anger will become directed toward you." She's so great because she totally understood and didn't get offended and we were able to get along perfectly.

I'm amazed at how wonderful my relationships are with my roommates. I mean, Becca and I see each other every day, share a bathroom, and spent essentially a full day driving out of the four, not to mention I was totally crashing her family's Thanksgiving dinner and such. It was so great of them, I just feel bad that I was feeling yucky. Her family is great though. I love being with them, so Christmas will be awesome :) But the point here (my head in pain seems to be wandering away from my actual point) is that I spent a heck of a lot of time with Becca and we still love each other and totally get along. Amazing :)

Another amazing relationship is with my favorite man, my J-Baby :) Seriously, how did I find this guy? God is good to me. I didn't know guys like him existed. I could write about him for 86 years and hardly scratch the surface, but suffice it to say that he's wonderful and my life is so much better with him in it. He's everything I ever wanted and even more. I don't know what will happen with him, but I sure do hope that I'll marry the man. I'm seeking Christ, as is he, and we refuse to think we're meant to marry unless the Lord tells us that's His will. I don't need to know what tomorrow holds but I'm content to enjoy this amazingly wonderful man as much as I can today. I just wish I could see him and hug him and kiss him until my lips fall off :)

Ok. I need to go. But there's an update :) I do have to say that there's the COOLEST sign outside of Rochester, NY that lists three cities (I can't remember what cities) but their distances are listed as 10, 16, and 81 miles. So it says 10, 16, and 81 down a list to the right side of the sign... I just so happen to have been born on October 16, 1981- 10/16/81 :) Awesome, right? I know. I'm going to totally take a picture of it on the drive home after Christmas. Sweet, I know.

PS I wish I lived in Seattle. Here's to praying that I'll be there this summer.

PPS How about them Pats, huh? And my man Tom Brady? Mmm-hmm.

PPPS My Seahawks are hosting MNF (Monday Night Football) tomorrow! Yesssss!!

Angels fall without you there

[Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls]

Conferences were AWESOME last night. I absolutely love getting to meet my students' parents and guardians. Especially fun are the parents I connected with last year who stopped in to say hi. But it was so encouraging- I have two students who are repeating my class and I desire SO strongly to see them pass. One is barely scraping by and the other has been failing kind of miserably thus far. It was awesome because I met with the mother of each and we hammered out the plans to get the two in after school to get where they need to be.

It's so interesting the way different parents work. The one mother (who son has been failing with a 40 or so percent average) was so concerned about the situation but really seeking guidance on how I could team with her and the Larry's (not his real name) father to ensure that he succeeds in my class. I shared my concerns about the fact that A) he never talks and simply doesn't communicate with me (when I try to talk to him he just stares at the ground- he's just SO quiet!) and B) his literacy level is very low and I want to work with him to teach him how to undertand what he's doing. The lack in literacy skills is HUGE in my school, but his is probably around a third grade level. The majority of what we do is over his head, but though I try to diversify for his level and explain and adapt things he simply doesn't talk to me so I can't seem to get through to him. To get to the point, though, the mother wasn't upset about his grade at all- really just there to figure out how we can get him where he needs to be. In the end, we decided his father can pick him up after school at least once a week so he can stay and get caught up and, if he's willing, get some one-on-one help. Today when I saw him I asked Larry if he spoke to his mother, and he nodded. I asked how he felt about the plan and he said, "I'll be coming after school next week." Seriously, I think that's almost as much as he's ever spoken to me in the entire 3 quarters that I've had him now. But my heart completely leapt for joy! Yay!!

The other mother was a bit more on the frustrated end of the spectrum. You can tell she's reaching her frazzled point in dealing with a stubborn and unmotivated 15 year old son. Isaac (again, not his real name) is someone I've worked SO hard to build a relationship with. I referred him to our (awesome) freshman counselor and they set him up to be able to catch up and graduate on time if he stays focused, despite failing most all of his classes last year. For awhile he was coming in after school and pulled his grade up to the C range, but then he dropped off in the last two weeks of the quarter and squeaked by with a 70 (the lowest possible score to get a D on our scale). I was able to soothe some of her ruffles and assure her that I am willing to go as far as I possibly can out of my way to get Isaac to succeed, and she said that she knows he really likes me and loves my class and that it's the one class he's willing to do the work in to pass. I spoke with him today and he fought the desire to go to sleep (his mother said he's staying up until 1-2 watching TV every night but she simply can't get him to go to bed) and he actually got some quality work done. So the road will be long but I have faith that he'll pass my class.

My goal is that EVERY single student would pass my class- and I don't inflate grades. I don't give random points so a kid will look like they passed on paper. Every single point each student has was EARNED by them. The fact is, my kids are simply the last ones anyone cares about. Inner-city kids have it rough, but at the same time a lot of people put time, money, and effort into providing resources for those kids. My kids live in the middle of nowhere, in a rural district over an hour away from the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area and the fact is that they are overlooked. Most of them are Black, the vast majority live in poverty, and the chips are stacked against them. I can't change the outside world. I can't even change the culture they live in (which contributes heavily to the problems they face). But I can ensure that they not only get the best education possible in my class and actually learn about the history of the world they live in, but also that they have a positive role model who lives out the high standards she teaches.

One quick story, then I'll get some sleep: About a month ago we were learning about the Mandate of Heaven in China, and how the Zhou (pronounced joh) dynasty conquered the Shang dynasty because of the corruption in the government of the Shang. The Zhou believed that the corruption meant that heaven had removed it's blessing from the Shang and it was their duty to conquer the Shang and replace them with a morally sound government. I explained the concept of corruption to my students, and how it involves the misuse and abuse of power by those in authority for their own gain. I used the example of myself- how if I changed grades in exchange for money that would be me misusing my power to determine a student's future in regards to their grades and college in order to bring personal gain to myself via extra cash. Some of them were like, "Yeah, right. You know you'd take the money." This isn't because they think I would do that, per se- they're just so used to the idea that money is the end all, and you do whatever you have to do to get as much as you can.

I promised them that even if someon in my class was a millionaire, and had a check for a million dollars that I knew would clear the bank, and even if I would NEVER get caught, I would not raise that grade even a fraction of a percent. This set them OFF. THE. CHAIN. They were like, "Nah, Mz. Teakay, you cuh-ray-zeh'." They of course wanted to know why, and I explained that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking, and I want to live as a woman of integrity. For one, money doesn't buy happiness, and I don't want anything that isn't rightfully acquired by me-- bribery is simply wrong and I couldn't look myself in the mirror or have any semblance of peace when I settle into my bed at night and reflect on what I've done. Plus, I personally believe that I will one day stand before my God and answer to Him for all I've done, and the choices I have made, and to accept the money would go against how His Word says I am to live.

This REALLY set them off the chain. I mean, the chain was no longer in sight. Almost the entire class, in their own way, said, "Iss a'ight, Teakay. You's just gotta ask for forgiveness after you do it, thass all."

No, I'm not making this up or exagerrating. This was coming from all students- white, black, male, female, mature, immature, those with F's, those with A's... all across the board. I had one of those moments where my heart just broke. Like I said, they've been taught that money will make their lives happy and whole and right. It's a dirty lie, but it's bought into by most everyone in their lives and it's tragic. I know that for most of my students I am their most respected and loved teacher. Some of them tell me this, many of their parents told me this last night, and I hear it from other teachers. Yet I know that I have to lock up all of my stuff and I don't dare leave anything valuable unguarded. No matter how much my students care about me, if I have something they want then a lot of them have been somehow programmed to believe that they deserve it and that it's perfectly justifiable to take it. Very rarely is a lost pocketbook or wallet in my school ever turned in. It's just understood that if you left it somewhere it's someone else's free game.

But this is why I teach- to show my kids that I chose a profession in which my paycheck hovers above the poverty line by a couple hundred dollars, even when a person of my talents and abilities could be making at least double what I make now had I chosen to pursue a field like medicine, business, or law. I can't even afford the iPod I so desire- yet I'm happy. My life is fulfilled. For one, I have my relationship with Christ. But also, I have them. I love my kids. I'm actually tearing up a little because I care so deeply about them. Some of them I wish I could just bring home and let them see that life can be joyful and complete without sex and violence and drugs and lies and cheating and treachery and the dishonest ways in which they try to get their hands on money. Some days I get tired of getting up and working my ass off every day trying to save the world one kid at at time. But then I see my kids, and I meet their parents who want so much more for them, and I remember the future that is ahead of them if I give up on working for them, and I am absolutely certain that it's worth it.

I know I've been silent on my classes and such for awhile. I've actually just felt more protective of them this year, I think, and I didn't always use the best discretion in my old blog. Mainly because where I was at this time last year was mostly focused on either complaining about my school (and sometimes my actual kids) or about just how shocked I was at the culture and such. Now that I've settled in I've kept things more to myself. But trust me, my life is still dominated by school and my kids, and I like it that way. I don't know how long I'll be here, but as long as I am then I refuse to give less than my all.

On that note, it's time to sleep. 'Night.