Tuesday, December 19, 2006

You're the only one

[It's Not Over, Daughtry]

I know it seems as though I have fallen off the face of the earth, or died, or sprouted wings and flown to a new life. None of the above are true. I'm still on earth, I'm alive, and I just checked and nothing has grown onto my back.

That said... something has changed. I'm in love. I always swore I wouldn't become one of those girls who falls in love and no one else matters anymore... but I have become that at least a little bit. I had almost no free time, as it were, because of my job. But now that I have the most amazingly wonderful man in the world in my life I have even less free time... I love it though.

Because I love him.

I have long been mostly quiet about Jas, just mentioning him mostly in passing or just intentionally not really being explicit. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the man I will marry. He is certain he will marry me. He actually already knows how and when he's going to propose. I have no idea, other than I was promised that we'll be engaged by the end of July :)

He loves me!

So... our story is simple. I love sports. I don't like Skip Bayless (sportswriter for ESPN) because he knocked on both my Seahawks AND my Ammo (Adam Morrison). One random day in July I decided to write an e-mail to Bill Simmons, ESPN's "Sports Guy", about why Bayless should be fired. But then I realized I wanted to back up the asinine things Bayless had written, so I went to find a little... ammo. I came across a blog in which someone was spouting similar feelings of dislike for ESPN's worst sportswriter. I was impressed with the writing, and then realized through a little blog perusal that this person went to Gonzaga, lived (essentially) in Seattle, and was a Christian. I clicked the link to his MySpace and sent him a message- basically, I pointed out that I loved his hatred of Skip Bayless, and that he seemed like a cool guy.

I was fresh out of my first real relationship, which had ended because the other guy just simply wasn't a nice guy. God used that relationship to teach me SO much about myself, but I simply assumed that I would never be with someone while I lived here in N0rth C@r0lin@. I figured I'd move home to Seattle and meet someone there... someday. I had zero interest in a romantic relationship. Once he wrote back, it was pretty clear between us that it would just be a random MySpace acquaintance. But then... we just replied back and forth, and eventually chatted a little on IM. After about two weeks we had one really amazing conversation on IM... I was like, "He's a cool guy" afterward, but he tells me that he walked away from that convo knowing, clear as day, that he would eventually fall in love with me.

Along the way we kept really trying to ensure that we didn't allow our relationship to be anything more than friends, even when we knew deeper feelings were growing between us. Consistently we tightened boundaries, such as how often we could talk, both praying more and more diligently that we would stay in God's boundaries for us. We didn't even talk on the phone until about 3 months after we had met. We wanted to be uber careful and not cross any boundaries. Then we realized that those lines were self-imposed, and not of God. We accepted that we were in some level of a relationship two months ago, and since then it has grown deeper and deeper. In the last month it has become crystal clear to both of us that we are meant for one another, and that we're meant to marry.

I love him. I love that he wants to close our phone conversations in prayer, and often just randomly says, "Can we pray?" in the middle of one. I love that we are in complete harmony on things like doctrine, finances, life goals, health, etc. I love that he tells me daily about his quiet time and how God is speaking to him. I love that he consistently steps up as spiritual leader, though in some ways his nature would be to step back, and that he already is both able to tell me no and doesn't allow me to manipulate him. I love that I don't want to manipulate him! That I want to trust him and respect him and allow him to lead, all the while encouraging and exhorting him to be the man God made him to be. I love that he sees me as a precious treasure, and that he wants to spoil me and take care of me and protect me and respect me and that he feels like he will simply not be complete until he has made me his wife. *sigh* I am so blessed!

I could gush for years, but it boils down to this: I will marry this man, this wonderful man named Jason. We both know it's true, and any time we have a shred of doubt God confirms all the more that this is of Him. It's the most wonderful experience of my entire life! I feel ready to burst in every direction all at once! And yet I have a deep, calm peace to the center of my soul that Jason is the man I will spend the rest of my life loving and serving. I am honored to call him my own. I am honored to be his.

In June, my beloved will come help me move across the country. Along the way he will meet one of my very closest friends, Darla, who currently resides in Iowa, and then I will meet his father and perhaps a little more of his extended family. And we'll spend three whole days driving otherwise nonstop, and I'll just get to be with him and look at him and know that we can finally actually be together. June cannot come quickly enough. Nor can April when he will come here for my Spring Break to spend time together.

We will meet face to face in 31 days. No, we haven't met face to face. We've logged probably upwards of 300 phone hours and... it's scary to think about how many words in e-mails. Seriously, probably a combined 100,000 words, maybe more (I kid thee not). I know him better than anyone else and he knows me better than anyone else. He literally knows everything about me- even things I normally wouldn't want to tell another soul. I am bare and open before him, and he before me. Finally getting to be in his arms and kiss his wonderful face will be a formality in many ways, though almost magical (if I believed in magic) after all we've otherwise developed.

The fact is, when you know, you know. One reason I believe God allowed my previous relationship is that I thought I knew, yet within me there were numerous doubts and a sense of something not being right... part of the reason I didn't end that relationship was because I didn't want to admit to my friends and family I had been wrong. With Jason, I know. It's good, it's right, it's of God, and he's the one!

Enough of my gushing; here's something he said:

Tami...I don't know what it is about today that has taken my feelings for you to a level I never dreamed it would go. A week ago I was ready to marry you. Now I literally feel incomplete for not having done so already. What we have now is amazing, don't get me wrong. I bask in the glow of all our relationship has taught me, inspired me, shaped me, and enriched me. I live as a man happier than he's ever been and dream of the future like never before. But every moment I'm awake, my dear, especially when I ruminate on those dazzling eyes gazing at me, pouring your love past my physical shell directly into my heart, I feel a longing like never before. A feeling deep in my chest that ebbs and flows, but never dies. A pain not sharp, not stinging, but dull and lingering. Deep down I know that no matter how amazing of a man He may have made me to be, it is nothing without you. Without you I'd flail around this world, fecklessly in search of a love about which I know nothing, hurting myself and others along the way. Without you I'd never reach the center of His will, and my vain attempts to try would drive me to a misery so dark I shudder at its brief appearance in my thoughts. You are inseparable from His will for me. We were meant for one another. Our relationship isn't merely approved by Him, but ordained. I could not truly be a man after His heart apart from you.

Can't you see why I love him? He's wonderful!

So... now you know! Feel free to comment at random. :)

EDIT: Ok, due to request, here's some info about my man :) He's 26 (27 in May), lives in Bothell (a northern suburb of Seattle, essentially), and currently cleans pools by day and delivers food by night for a living (and makes almost three times as much as I do in the process! It just doesn't pay to teach; at least, not in dollars.). Our current ideas for the future are to try to be completely out of debt in 2-3 years and then he'll go to grad school and continue his political degree, likely earning a doctorate in political philosophy, and then working as a poli sci (political science) professor for a college. Ummm... he grew up in western Montana, is 6'5" tall, dark, and gorgeous to boot, works hard, loves his church, loves me, and wants to make me his wife. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have, though :) I could never get tired of talking about him!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I want to update. Only I don't know what to say. Other than I am so, so, so ridiculously happy.

Just happy. And blessed.

Praise God for His love and provision.

And praise God for Jason.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Give me one more chance to be near you

[On Fire, Switchfoot]

I know that I never update anymore. I'd apologize, but the fact is that if I'm forcing myself to write then should I really be writing anyway? I don't think so.

That said, I'm also just usually really busy working and doing work related things. And if I'm not really busy with all that then I'm rebelling against how busy I always am by doing absolutely nothing. Not even "fun" stuff like e-mailing friends and blogging and all that. I just play Snood. Lots and lots of Snood.

This weekend I decided to reinstall XP on my desktop. You see, I had problems last winter so I reinstalled XP but I didn't wipe the hard drive clean, so I ended up with 70+ gigs of stuff on my hard drive and it kept telling me that I couldn't do anything due to low memory. I did a clean install this time, getting rid of EVERYTHING and most of my Friday and Saturday nights have been lived in dedication to getting my computer to where I want it. The nice thing is that it's WAY faster now. Yay. I'm not installing any junk- only things I actually use all the time, like Firefox 2, Google Desktop, Google Talk, and then the random stuff like Shockwave and Flash and Adobe and all that.

Today was spent at a TF@ Professional Development Day. It was a'ight. Afterward, Lizaboo and I went to RoRap, made a Wal-Mart run (I got fun art supplies to be more artsy and to be able to develop my creative side), and then went to dinner. I had some DELICIOUS pizza... as did she. We each ordered our own large pizza and we shared a set of cheesy breadsticks. I think we're awesome. And now we get to eat pizza for breakfast and lunch and maybe even dinner tomorrow. OH, and for my authentic Chinese-food loving friends (aka people who have spent time in China) I bought tomatoes because I am seriously eggs-n-tomatoes DEPRIVED. And I have really good Jasmine rice to eat them with. Oh, yum.

Anyway, post-date with Lizaboo I came home to continue the 92 hour project of fixing my comp. Grr. But I do know that I want to get Windows Vista when it becomes available. And Office 2007. The interfaces for both are SEXY, and, to be honest, Vista looks much more like a Mac interface. And I like Macs but am unwilling to give up things that don't work on Macs. So Windows wins this round.

That said, I still want an iPod so much that I feel a physical ache for one.

Ok, not really. But I do want one pretty much more than any other material item I've ever wanted in my whole life- and I prayed for a new bike for like 2 years before I finally got one for my tenth birthday. I do physically ache for one thing, but he's a man moreso than a thing. Hopefully I shall see and touch him in January when TF@ sends me to recruit in the Portl@nd, 0R area. And then he's coming here for my Spring Break in April- YAY! My roommates can't wait to meet him, because they know what a huge part of my life he has become.

Life is good :) Now, back to the *joy* of fixing my computer. Hopefully there's not too much left to do but reinstall Office... 2000. Old school, I know. That's just the way I have to roll until I have $300 floating around to upgrade to Vista and Office 2007 :)

PS I loves me some Seahawks.

PPS I also dig my Pats and my man Tom Brady

PPPS Gonzaga rocks your face off. Hard.