Tuesday, May 22, 2007

So stop your tears and listen

[The Heart of Life, John Mayer]

Do you ever feel just really inexplicably sad?

Emotions have run torrents through me today.

The lamest reason deals with stuff that doesn't really matter... as in Blake got completely raped on American Idol tonight. Seriously, come ON- I know Clive Davis is a sappy song kind of guy- A Moment Like This, Inside Your Heaven, Do I Make You Proud, etc., but seriously- could the winning song have been anymore pushing of the same type of singer that wins every year- the balladeer (or balladette, as the case may be). I mean, I like Jordin. She'll do fine in the biz. But I LOVE Blake- he's absolutely refreshingly original and he's exciting to watch. There are fifty Jordin Sparks' on the radio right now- many of them who can sing better; she's good, but she's no Christina Aguilera or Kelly Clarkson or even Carrie Underwood- and there is no one like Blake.

That said... since Blake is clearly going to lose, at least that cheesy balls song won't be his first single. I don't care if Seattleites wrote it. It's CHEESY BALLS.


There's other stuff, but lately I find myself turning into a more private person. Normally I'm just all out there- I wanted to start off by pointing out that my period started today even though my boobs haven't hurt at ALL when usually they ache for a week and a half so when they started hurting today I was ready to expect my period in a week and then voila! there it was and it caught me totally off guard (despite my moods clearly signaling PMS all week) but then decided that maybe the world doesn't want to know that. So I... uh... didn't talk about it...


The point is that there is just stuff. And it sucks. And I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself.

I also find myself increasingly emotional about leaving this place. I love my roommates- well, 3 of them- and my house, I like my job, and I absolutely love my kids. At least once a day for the last month a student has said, in one form or another, that they can't believe I won't be here next year and that it sucks. I'm not sure they'll miss me nearly as much as I'll miss them.

I could barely type that last sentence. Tears are streaming down my face and my throat is so tight that I can barely breathe and the air is forcing itself into my lungs in ragged bursts upon each inhale.

On the upside I had to force myself to eat something tonight so I could get over the 1,000 calories mark. It's really unhealthy to eat under 1,200 calories a day (the metabolism actually slows down) and I clocked in at 1295 only because my stomach was screaming at me despite mentally having no appetite. Which never happens for me. I wish I could never eat again. So I guess that's something. Plus I came home craving exercise. That has literally NEVER happened. So maybe I'll get less fat.

I realized tonight, while watching skinny little bikini models on an Old Navy commercial, that I'm not sure which I hate more-- the fact that they look like that, or myself for not looking even remotely like that.

So... yeah. I guess I'll sleep now.