If you drive a HUGE, gas-guzzling, and disgusting SUV then you have ZERO right to complain about high gas prices. I feel negative seventy-nine percent sorry for you.

This one's for you, woman from R@leigh that I just saw with a FORD EXCURSION whining about gas prices on the news.

Seriously.

It makes my stomach do somersaults.

And not the good kind.

So far away for far too long

[Far Away, Nickbelback]

In his book The Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis wrote some of the most poignant prose I've ever read aside from God's Word. The basic premise is of an experienced demon, Screwtape, writing letters to a lesser-experienced demon and understudy named Wormwood. "The Enemy" refers to God the Father of the Judeo-Christian faith. Allow me to share a chapter of it with you (it's not as long as it looks, so don't just skip over it- it's really good!):

My dear Wormwood,

So you "have great hopes that the patient's religious phase is dying away," have you? I always thought the Training College had gone t pieces since they put old Slubgob at the head of it, and now I am sure. Has no one ever told you about the law of Undulation?

Humans are amphibians — half spirit and half animal. . . .As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation — the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life — his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth, periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.

To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now, it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself — creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.

And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now se that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creatures to stand up on its own legs — to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with, the better. He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

But of course the troughs afford opportunities to our side also. Next week I shall give you some hints on how to exploit them.

Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape

Now, Lewis talks about Christians being led astray and ending up in "our Father's house"- aka hell. I disagree with this- as does the Bible. Once someone is saved and receives forgiveness for their sin, they are saved. It's crucial to one's spiritual health so seek Christ and remain intimate with God but the fact is that once someone has received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior they can't sin big enough to lose that salvation.

This is applicable to me because, as I have divulged in during recent entries, I recently have had a spiritual wake-up call. I responded immediately, and the first few weeks proved relatlively easy primarily due to the fact that things were exciting, fresh, refreshing, and exhilirating. In the last week or so, the freshness has worn off, and the tedious mundanity of my daily life has reared it's ugly head. It is, if you will, the trough that Lewis referred to.

Friday night, for the first time after three and a half weeks of not skipping a quiet time, I made the deliberate choice to forego my time in God's word and prayer, opting to "do my own thing" instead. This was wrong, and utterly sinful. I rejected Christ and chose to disobey.

The Lord is faithful, and has used this passage to bless me: most of us ask God to make us obey. Life would be SO much easier if I were a robot programmed to do God's will and never make my own choices. I can't lie- I would prefer this. However, I cannot deny the beauty of God's plan.

Think about it. Think of that one person you would only dare to dream of of spending your entire life with- whether you know him/her or not, get that person in your mind. If you're like me, you might have to utilize your imaginative juices, but think about him/her. Now, imagine that you could give him/her a potion to drink that would make him/her love you unconditionally, for life, totally committed and undeniably yours. Option two is that he/she would fall in love with you on his/her own, growing into that deep, lifelong love where they choose you.

I doubt many would choose option one. I certainly wouldn't. I see, all the more, God's infinite wisdom in allowing me to choose Him. The fact is, I'm at the point where God's saying, "Choose Me." He won't force me, or allow it to be an easy, breezy, beautiful road with no challenges. He allows the trough so that I will make Him my choice. And though it won't be easy, it will be worth it every night to know that I chose God that day; that even after a moment of not choosing Him, later I refused to wallow in that mistake and did right when offered another opportunity.

So Lord, I choose You. Despite it not being easy, I choose You.

Too bad, I hid a boot is officially my favorite palindrome ever.

I knew it!!

Proof that Tony Reali wants to marry me:

"Boo too much of a good thing. Hooray T^K!!"
(Said only moments ago on the Oddsmakers segment of PTI- aka Pard0n the Interrupti0n on ESPN.)

Yeah, you know that's right. And he's quoting my favorite commercials!!

Rahab's Song

Last night I wanted to post the lyrics to a song I wrote about Rahab 3 years ago, but, alas, it was three years ago and I couldn't remember them.

True to Sergeant Awesome (my new name) form, I ran the part I could remember through my head again and again last night trying to fall asleep. Finally they came to me. So here you go*:

Rahab
Who do you think you are?
Harlot
Sinner
Prostitute

Rahab
Why should you be saved?
Rahab
Why should you be used
by God?

Now I see
That there's a God of
Second chances

Now I know that
He knows
What you've
Been through

And I believe
That this God of
Second chances
He chose you

I am so much
Just the same
Hating myself
for the things
I do

I am
So similar
To you
And I've been
Chosen to be used
By God

And
Now I see
There's a God of
Second chances

Now I know
He knows what we've
Been through

And now I believe
That this
God
Of
Second
Chances
Chose me.



* I'm not really privy to the entire copyright world. But I wrote this song, so don't steal it please. Thank you.

I gotta step outside these walls

[These Walls, Teddy Geiger]

Last night I was reading in Hebrews 11 in my quiet time. Something jumped out at me; I'm not sure why I've never noticed, nor had this pointed out to me before, but only two women are mentioned in this book referring to heroes of the faith from the Old Testament. Now, a quick tangent- some might say this is evidence that God hates women, or even that the Bible was crafted by men and not God and those men left out the women out of spite... in both cases, people are wrong. God loves women every bit as much as He loves men. In this case He handpicked few in general to be spoken of, and two women happened to show enough faith to be chosen for this chapter.

The two women are Sarah (Abraham's wife; mother of Isaac and first matriarch of the people of Israel) and Rahab (prostitute in Jericho who helped Joshua's spies and thus was saved when the city was sieged by the Israelites; read the first 7 or so chapters of Joshua for her story).

I was particularly struck that Rahab is mentioned. Rahab is a woman of the Bible who is dear to my heart. She was, seemingly, beyond redemption. She was a prostitute! Biblically speaking some of God's harshest moments of rebuke are when He likens the people of Israel to an adulterer prostituting herself to other gods. Ezekiel 16 in particular is heartwrenching, especially when one (I) applies it to her own life and sees how wretched and naked she is before her God.

The point here, however, is that prostitution is often listed amongst the most vile sins (not that any one sin is worse than another, mind you; rather these are sins that carry the most destructive consequences). Rahab is even referred to as "Rahab the harlot" almost with ease. It was so much a part of who she was that her occupation was essentially her surname.

And yet God, in His infinite wisdom, handpicked this broken and battered woman, from the lowest of lows, to not only join in the victory of Israel over Jericho, but so much more- Rahab is in the lineage of Christ. Rahab married a man named Salmon and they had a son named Boaz; he and his wife, Ruth, (more on them in a moment), had a son named Obed, who had a son named Jesse. Jesse was the father of a name anyone- even non-Christians- would recognize; Jesse's most famous son was a Goliath-conquering boy who would one day become the great King David. David, of course, was of the tribe of Judah; Jesus Christ's lineage can directly be traced back to David himself, and, thus, Rahab.

A prostitute- and gentile, no less- chosen to be part of the lineage of the Messiah? God's ways are higher than ours, certainly. He uses the base things of this world, that which human wisdom rejects as worthless, frequently to bring about His best work. Speech impedimented Moses. Young Samuel... Isaiah... Timothy. Christian-hunting Saul (to become Paul). Abraham and Sarah, who laughed when God said they would have a baby in their elderly years (certainly post-menopause). Esther, a mere virgin girl whose beauty enraptured a king, and thus she saved the nation of Israel. Peter, whose foot seemed to be in his mouth more often than it was walking with God. Rahab, the prostitute. Harlot. Sinner. Chosen to be in the lineage of Jesus Christ, Messiah of the Jews and the gentiles.

If you've never read the Book of Ruth, do so; and don't make excuses, because it's short. It's one of my favorite passages in all of scripture. It's a beautiful story of courage in tragedy, loyalty, purity, honesty, and faith. Boaz, in particular, sets the bar high with qualities I pray my own husband one day would possess. He's generous, kind, fair, loving, and quietly fights fiercely to make Ruth his bride. One might venture to say that a man of his integrity and valor must have come from good stock; indeed, his mother was Rahab. A great theme in the story of Ruth and Boaz is one of his doing all he can to be her kinsman redeemer. Redemption. It seems to be written deep upon his heart. Again, how could it not be? His mother was Rahab.

His mother was Rahab.

Seemingly, she wasn't just redeemed in that one moment when the walls of Jericho crashed down; she stepped beyond them, outside into a new world in which she lived out her redemption. Her son attests to that.

And then she is mentioned as a hero of faith in Hebrews 11. Even David himself is merely named in a list of faithful men; Rahab gets an entire verse (the thirty-first).

It was by faith that Rahab the prostitute did not die with all the others in her city who refused to obey God. For she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

I pray I would be like Rahab- that I would walk in my redemption and let it be a testimony to all in my life. God's anger at my sin lasts but a moment, but His favor for a lifetime (Psalm 30:5). A lifetime! And He blesses thousands of generations due to faithfulness (multiple passages). I pray I would be molded into a woman like Rahab; you can safely assume her husband and son (Salmon and Boaz) rose up to call her blessed (Proverbs 31:28).

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

This means you don't have to have a blogger account! And you can save your info so you don't need to enter anonymous and what have you to comment. Also, you can add a link to your own blog, no matter where it is (MySpace, Mindsay, Xanga, etc.)

Have at it!

And if you don't have it, GET FIREFOX.

So many things that I wanna say

[Your Love, The Outfield]

Sometimes I say something out loud, and then immediately think, "What if you do one of those surveys where you have to write the last thing you said out loud?".

So I'm watching Wheel of Fortune. It's college week (reruns, I'm sure) and tonight's three were the type that made me think, "You've got to be kidding me. How am I not on this show? I could beat them with my eyes closed!".

One puzzle annoyed me in particular- mainly because the second people get money they start spending it all on buying vowels! This drives me crazy. Mainly because you can figure out words without the vowels at all. Case in point:

Ppl tht spnd ll f thr mny n vwls n th shw Whl f Frtn r dmb.

Tell me what that says- I bet you can!

Then, later, the puzzle was "Put the pedal to the metal". I had it figured out with just the h's and t's... for posterity's sake, here:

--t th- ----- t- th- --t--

If you don't believe me, that's fine, but my roommates can attest to me figuring out puzzles when they're still seemingly impossible- watching Jeopardy and Wheel is kind of a tradition on most weeknights at our [LAKE!] house. I'm not sure if it's talent, skill, luck, or some comibination of all of the above, but I also used to tick off the entire football bus in high school (I kept stats) because someone had a little handheld Wheel game and I never lost. Ever. Not even against the coaches. I was actually kind of embarrassed about it and always downplayed my wins.

However, tonight my humility was... not to be found when I figured out the puzzle and then shouted out, "I'm a GENIUS! I win at LIFE!"

Yeah, that's right. I said that.

In the words of... well, pretty much all of my roommates (I have four):

"Oh, [insert my name], what are we gonna do with you?"

Everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all I needed was the truth

[Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray]

Last night I started thinking about something.

So often people experience something good and think it means they (we... I...) need more of that good thing. This is understandable, since most of us are trained that some things are good and other things are bad. Avoid the bad, embrace the good.

Allow me to insert pieces of a conversation written on the journal of an acquaintance elsewhere in cyberspace:

His original post

Maybe I just scared the crap out of [a little girl that started crying on the train] with my remarkable blandness. No, on second thought, make that: "My intense physical ugliness." I'm so ... blah! I know this is classic pathetic insecurity, but lately I've been feeling it.

What would you give to be intensely beautiful? Not inner beauty, but outer beauty. The kind that causes gasps of wonder and turns heads. The mesmerizing kind of beauty. The enchanting kind.

My response

Per beauty... I can relate. There are times where I see someone with that kind of dazzling beauty and wish I could know for even five minutes what it feels like to be seen that way. To be desired, to have others wish they could just experience my beauty. But then I look in the mirror and realize that I am robbing myself. My weight is something I can control and am taking the reigns of. But my smile is genuine. My eyes are sincere and they sparkle. I am a handcrafted product of the Living God! How dare I apply my limited understanding to what physical beauty is. Particularly, I don't let Hollywood and the media define my moral and faith values, so why would I let them tell me I am ugly? Confidence is what makes a person truly beautiful.

I think about friends that, to me, are stunning. Were I to not know them and passed them on the street I would merely go on with life. But because I know them, and I've been there when they are alit with joy, or seen the beauty of strength in personal tragedy exhibited by them, they could not be more attractive to me. And this is not JUST because of inner beauty.

I had a friend when I was younger that was stunning. Toned and athletic yet sexy size six with a chest that simply didn't seem natural (yet totally was). She was blonde haired and blue eyed, and had that casual "I'm not even trying to be sexy" sexiness. And she was far beyond simply losing her virginity by middle school. Then another friend in high school, similarly gorgeous, went through almost a boyfriend a month. Usually she broke up with one because she was caught making out with an ex.

I, in my limited scope and frame of reference, often complained about wishing I could be like them, to have guys lining up to date me and girls envying my physical beauty. Both of them told me, separately and years apart, in moments of depth and vulnerability, that they sometimes envied me. They envied that the boys (and girls) thought I was smart and funny, easy to talk to yet deep. They told me that if I were pretty I would always question if a guy was with me because of who I was, or because he just hoped to get in my pants.

At the time I huffed and said, "Yeah, well, I bet you still would never trade places with me." But now that I'm older, I see what they meant. And they were right. I was in a relationship recently where he was caught up in how beautiful he thought I was (even though I was like, "Have you LOOKED at me? Do you have beer goggles on?"). He was also nearly obsessed with my sexual purity. He was enthralled with the idea of showing me sexual pleasure I had never known and being the only man to show me that pleasure for my entire life (his exact words there, actually.). He was also caught up in the kind of mother he thought I'd be. But I realized that he didn't know me. He was threatened by my intellectual abilities, told me he always hoped he'd end up with someone who can't sing so she'd be impressed with his abilities (thus he was threatened by my singing talent), and he always tried to one-up me in everything-- even faith.

I've recently met someone. I'm not sure where things will go with him- we're being careful to seek Christ and not jump to conclusions about one another. But I know he's in awe of me. He loves my writing, thinks I'm brilliant, constantly remarks at my wit, can't wait to hear me sing, is excited about seeing me succeed in anything I put my mind to, and is inspired by my walk with God. I wouldn't trade that for the entire WORLD- if I could have unmatched beauty but had to surrender being seen for who I am inside I would turn it down.

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman [or man] who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

As I mature into a woman I realize all the more how true that really is.

So these thoughts were on my mind last night. Misjudged beauty- both physical and that of character, from within- mingled with how faux my first relationship really was, in contrast with just a good, healthy new friendship. Not to mention other friendships of varying lengths with people who see into the depths of me and love me for who I am- none better than my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

You may wonder what this has to do with "good" and "bad". Upon my pondering I realized that my relationship with said ex was bad. It was bad and I got out. The Lord was faithful in revealing how bad it really was, and as I dealt with the layers after the fact I discovered rottenness I couldn't have even seen before. Had I not been faithful to peel away and was content to look only slightly bruised on the surface they would still be eating away deep within my core.

But now- now it seems I have something good. Something healthy. A friendship where I am being careful in ways I never have been before. And that's when it hit me- I do have something good. Worldly wisdom would say to dive in. This person gets me- why not run with it, take the chance that this is IT and force on full-steam ahead? This that I have with him is good so why not embrace it and go to the next level? That's the logic that many would say makes most sense, and they would question why I don't operate by it.

For a moment I asked myself why, indeed, have I not sought more? And then it hit me- I want something better. So frequently, I said to myself, we run away with "the good"; how many refuse to accept "the good" and hold out for "the best"? In the world, there is good and bad. Healthy and unhealthy. Right and wrong.

Life in Christ offers something more- beyond good, healthy, and right. Christ offers the best. That which far exceeds our greatest hopes or expectations. I want His best and will. Not. Settle. For anything less. Not in my relationships (not even with said new friend), not in my walk with God, not in my life.

For some of us the good... well, it simply isn't good enough.

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. [John 10:10, NKJV]


"No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
for those who love him." [Isaiah 64:4, as referenced in I Corinthians 2:9]

And every day I am swayed by whatever is on my mind

[Shifting Sand, Caedmon's Call]

Yesterday was not a grand day, to put it lightly. I was rebellious. My means was utter apathy. I didn't do anything wrong, primarily because I didn't do anything. I won't list out the sins (though they're confessed in my journal in full) because that's not the point; the fact is that, in general, my heart refused and was unwilling to yield.

In my quiet time last night I confessed my deep need of Christ. He has been renewing me spiritually, and I don't want this to simply be a spiritual high that passes and then I settle back into a life lacking the fresh and flowing cleansing water of Christ's word. My flesh wanted to either say I was fine, or to wallow in self-pity for my inherent imperfection. But I confessed my sin, asked God for a heart lent to repentance, and beseeched Him to speak to me in His Word.

Did He ever!

Hebrews 9, which I linked at the beginning (just click on the title up above; the three little dots mean it's a link), is a mind-blowing passage in scripture. Its primary focus is on the fact that Jesus Christ has gone into the temple of heaven and provided the one full and perfect sacrifice necessary to forgive all sin.

In the Old Testament, in the temple, there was a four-inch thick veil that separated man from the Holy of Holies, where the Ark of the Covenant (which contained the very spirit of God Himself) was kept. Once a year the high priest would go in to offer sacrifices for the sins of the people- blood sacrifices- but it was a task no one would necessarily want. He had to wear bells and a rope tied to his ankle; this was because if he had any unforgiven sin while in that room the holiness of God would strike him dead. If the bells stopped jingling then the other priests would use the rope to pull his body out, lest they went behind the curtain and were killed themselves.

Hebrews 9 explains that Jesus Christ has done what this old system could not- His blood was offered once for all- every sin is covered and cancelled because Jesus went to heaven itself, a place not made with human hands, and offered the blood sacrifice that purified mankind. Even more amazing is that it is able to cleanse our consciences. He took His perfect, sinless blood and offered full payment for sin and then has the ability to renew us to be sanctified- the process of being made more holy- as we trust Him with our lives.

One verse, the fourteenth, really stuck out to me:

Just think how much more the blood of Christ will purify our hearts from deeds that lead to death so that we can worship the living God. For by the power of the eternal Spirit, Christ offered himself to God as a perfect sacrifice for our sins.

I love this. The Lord doesn't just forgive my sins- He, thanks to Christ's sacrifice, purifies me from the things I have done that otherwise would bring death upon myself. I have eternal life and have been delivered from eternal spiritual death (hell is eternity with the absence of God- in other words, spiritual death), but when I choose to sin in this life I bring other "little deaths"- my selfishness brings death to my relationships and my spiritual growth is stunted. But Jesus Christ cleanses me when I come to Him and humble myself, admitting my sin and asking His forgiveness. If I believe Him that He has the power to do it, He sets me free from my sin and allows me to move beyond it.

Often I beat myself up when I see my sin, and cling to my shame. But Jesus Christ purifies me when I ask for forgiveness and repent! I am free to worship the living God and see His hand in my everyday life. Verse 28 confirms that Jesus died one time- He will not come back and die again. It is finished- the power of death that separates God from man has been conquered. The four-inch thick veil was torn from top to bottom (Matthew 27:51, Mark 15:38) when Jesus breathed His last, and now all of mankind can not only go "behind the veil"- the Holy Spirit is sealed in any person who receives Jesus Christ. The very power of the Holy Spirit that led Christ lives in me.

I believe that Jesus Christ will return; if for any reason I hear trumpets resounding I don't want to be gripped with regret at how I am currently living my life; I don't want to stand before my Savior in shame. I want to have joy because I have been eagerly awaiting His return.

Praise God for speaking to me. Praise God that today is not yesterday. Most of all, praise God that I am no longer a slave to sin (Romans 6) and have the choice of living for Jesus Christ.

I pray I would be found faithful.

But You never said it would be easy- You only said I'd never go alone

[If You Want Me To, Ginny Owens]

Part III has come.

I know what the Lord has spoken over my life. I am set apart for Him, to love Him and chase after Him with every fiber of my being. His plans for me far exceed what my feeble mind can even hope to dream. I teach high school, and that does, in essence, make me a teacher. But being a teacher is not who I am. It doesn't define me.

Who I am is a daughter of the King, and my purpose is to follow hard after Him no matter what He calls me to. Who I am is wrapped up entirely in the identity of Christ; what I do, or my calling, is teach.

Since last November- so for 9 months- there has been a growing desire to move back home to the P@cific Northwest. More specifically, Se@ttle. I'm a born and raised eastern W@shingtonian girl, but Se@ttle is where my heart longs to be. I refuse to just go somewhere because it sounds nice- I only want to be where the Lord clearly would have me. However, the more I pray the more I believe this desire is from Him. I would like to make the Se@ttle area a place where I can put down roots and build my life.

That said, two years ago I was certain I would never leave Spok@ngeles, and that I would marry someone from my church, teach in the Me@d School District, have 2.5 kids (ok, I actually want 4-5, some adopted), a two car garage, and a comfy suburban house in a nifty ticky-tacky housing development. The Lord had rather different plans- I never actually asked Him if He was planning to make that my life, and now I'm fairly sure His will doesn't involve me living in Spok@ne ever again. But, time will tell :)

I am committed to one more year here in T*F_A. After that, I am uncertain as to whether I am even supposed to keep teaching. It makes sense, yet God doesn't always operate on what's sensible. In fact, He rarely does. His thoughts are so far beyond my own that were He to reveal certain truths to me I'd likely laugh at Him just as Sarai and Abram did. However, He changed their names and soon what was once ridiculous to even consider was tangible reality as they raised their son Isaac.

I would love to teach, but at the same time I would love to be more committed to working with youth in a church setting, and writing and teaching Bible studies. To be a good teacher requires at least- at least- 15-20 hours beyond regular school hours, and that's just for planning and other essentials. That doesn't include investing in the lives of students via the miscellaneous extra-curricular activities that I am involved in. If the Lord says teach, then teach I will, because I do love it. I also am open, however, to the possibility of working a different job (such as an office job, where I have almost 6 years of experience at various tasks) where I could make a decent salary to pay off debt but also be done with work when I leave each evening in order to have more time to commit to church and ministry.

Either way, I want only to be in the center of God's will. I want His best for me, for my life. I don't know what the future holds, but I am open to whatever He says for me to do. I would rather be in a place I don't particularly love but where my God wants me than in a place that I love but in rebellion against the Lord. The very thought causes me to literally shudder.

Regardless of my location and career, I know that God has built a unique testimony into my life. I have a background that opens doors to share of God's faithfulness, glory, and grace in the life of one who wasn't looking for Him. He has given me many gifts and talents to use for His glory. Please see my heart- I am not saying I am any more special or unique than any other person- I'm certainly not MORE special or unique. I'm only saying that I am special and unique.

There are lives Jesus Christ can touch through me that He simply wouldn't be able to touch other people; similarly, there are people to whom I am not necessarily the best option for God's use . I embrace, however, whatever it is He does want to do with my unique and precious life. I fully recognize that nothing about me is what makes me usable; rather, it is unconditional and complete surrender to God in my pursuit of Him that allows Him to use me.

I simply must insert the entirety of today's (August 4) entry in Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest; to try and select a portion would do no honor to the impact it had on me:

Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! Do you say, "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value"? That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him "to Jerusalem" ( Luke 18:31 ). And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you.

We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian. It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience— all of that is of no avail in this concern. The only thing of value is being taken into the compelling purpose of God and being made His friends (see 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 ). God's friendship is with people who know their poverty. He can accomplish nothing with the person who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not here for our own purpose at all— we are here for the purpose of God, and the two are not the same. We do not know what God'’s compelling purpose is, but whatever happens, we must maintain our relationship with Him. We must never allow anything to damage our relationship with God, but if something does damage it, we must take the time to make it right again. The most important aspect of Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the surrounding influence and qualities produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to give our attention to, and it is the one thing that is continually under attack.

So, to reiterate, I desire to be in the center of where the Love of my life would have me, concerned only with His will. I have much maturing to do until I can honestly say I am in that place; perhaps I'll never entirely feel there, but that is the goal which I seek to attain.

Earlier I mentioned the changing of Abram and Sarai's names- by adding the H, and making them Abraham and Sarah, the Lord added His own spirit. The H represents God Himself in the new promise with Abraham. I believe names can mean so much- and in the Bible, again and again you see that someone's name in many ways represents their character. Seth, the first son born after Cain killed Abel and was banished, means "replaced". Jacob, famous for his deception of Isaac and his routing of his elder brother Esau, means "supplanter". Cephas means "rock", and Peter means "stone"; this blossoms with significance when Peter's role in building the church- as chosen by Christ Himself- is considered. Saul means "asked for" (certainly applicable to King Saul and the man to be renamed Paul), Paul means "small" or "humble". Each of these names possess such significance in their meaning and how they correspond to the named.

I say all of this because my name is the root of the Hebrew word "tâmîym". Usually written as "perfect" in English, here is the literal meaning: entire (literally, figuratively or morally); also (as noun) integrity, truth: - without blemish, complete, full, perfect, sincerely (-ity), sound, without spot, undefiled, upright (-ly), whole.

I am by no means saying I am perfect. I am, in my humanity, far from it. However, I believe that my past is filled with brokenness because it is in stark contrast to who I am as God makes me complete in Him. He is building into me the testimony of one who is complete in Jesus Christ.

As I yield more of me to Him, God makes me full and perfect in Him and desires to use me to flood the testimony of His grace and mercy into the world around me. His name spoken over me is to be one who walks in integrity and truth- without blemish, undefiled, and whole in Christ. Perfectly surrendered to Him. Completely yielded.

This, then, is where I am going. I am still human, inhabiting a body of flesh that can oft detract me from the Lord's purposes, but my deepest desire is to be that which the Lord has spoken over me with my very name- one I long despised for being so different from everyone elses; I am set apart to be tâmîym in Christ.

This blog will detail, as appropriate, my journey as I seek to follow Christ, and you are welcome to join in what the Lord is doing at will. There will still, of course, be references to sports and randomosity, but as my heart changes I pray my blog would reflect that.

My life verses (those I most closely identify with as defining my purpose are:

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. [Colossians 3:1-4, NKJV]

Holla at the big two-nine, TB!

Happy 29th birthday to my future husband!!



If you're an utter dolt and don't know who that is, that would be Tom Brady. One of very few good things to come out of the seventies ;)

All of this is more than I've ever known or seen

[Nothing Left to Lose, Mat Kearney]

As promised, the continuation of the previous to be continued entry.

This is installment two of a three part series; the first was where I've been, this is where I am pertaining to the next year of my life, and the third will be where I'm going.

So where, then, am I? As always with me it requires prefacing.

For nearly two years I let a hardening come into my heart. After walking with God in a way previously unknown to me for a summer in China I came home committed to living sold out for Christ. However, it was at this point that I slowly but surely began to turn from Christ. It happened in small ways, not even really able to be measured.

Looking back I can see the signs of having a heart that was retaking the reigns from Christ are all there. I packed on not only the 30 pounds I lost in China but also about 80 more. I slowly but steadily began to rack up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, and grossly overborrowed in student loans. I lost my passion to talk about Christ and what He was doing in my life with my family and friends- Christian and non-Christian alike. Eventually my desire to spend time in God's Word and to fellowship by going to church all but fizzled. I was selfish and defensive in relationships, focused on the negative in everyone else.

Up until about four months ago I go to the place where I wondered what my purpose for living even was. I never contemplated suicide or anything like that, but when I thought about my future it felt heavy yet empty and devoid of meaning.

God has graciously brought me full circle. He allowed me to find a healthy church, literally brought two Christian friends out of the woodwork of largely (albeit not entirely) anti-Christian T_F*A, and used a relationship to wake me up to the path I was on. I was ready to pledge my life to someone with drastically different beliefs that would have ended, eventually, in my spiritual deadness. I would have lived a miserable life. I have no doubt. Yet, in His infinite wisdom, God chose to use that relationship more than anything to show me just how hardened and far my heart was from Him.

Recently Christ has been reopening my heart to His Word, and His will. I am convicted that this year I need to get into a routine and be disciplined in the areas of time management, finances, and eating/exercise. I've already started all of the above, but when I get back to school it's imperative that I actually do my best as a teacher. The truth is, with half-arsed effort I can be a good teacher. I say that not with pride, but nearly with shame. The Lord has enabled me to excel at anything I put my mind to-- how dare I waste His talents and gifts?

This year I desire to be the best possible teacher I can be (putting effort into good planning, and refusing to sit around and waste time; also getting sleep!), a better friend (no more gossiping/whining/complaining/negative focus, but loving and encouraging), a better steward (stick to a budget and stop being so wasteful- getting out of debt is not enough), a better caretaker of my body ( about what I eat and exercise even if I don't feel like it), and, most importantly, a more passionate pursuer of Christ. Church must be a priority, not an "if I feel like it" deal. I simply must make time for God's Word and quiet time spent alone with Him each day- not because it's a rule or a requirement, but because, simply put, I need Jesus Christ. As with any friendship, I can't shut Him out of my life and expect Him, then, to be a central part of it.


All of these areas require vast improvements... the good news is, I suppose, that I was so lame last year that almost anything would be quite the jump. But I don't just want to be merely "better"- I truly do want to do the very best I possibly can.

As anyone even remotely close to me knows, I love sports. LOVE them. When those men (yeah, I think watching women's sports is 40x less exciting 99% of the time as opposed to watching men's sports. That's just the way it is.) step onto that field, court, pitch, etc., they know that no matter how much they want to win, so do the other guys, and someone has to lose. At the end of the day, what matters most is that they trained their hardest in preparation and then poured out their very hearts and souls in the battle. Better to lose with one's head held high in defeat than to win and know deep down that the victory belongs to someone else who did his job when you were lackluster. And, of course, how much sweeter the victory when you know there are no questions about who played the better game and deserved the W (interestingly enough, the [loathed] Pittsburgh Steelers just came to mind, since this DOESN'T apply to them in last year's Superbowl. Yeah, I'm still bitter.). The simple truth with sports is that you simply have to give your very best because someone else is always going to exploit your weaknesses if you're not.

I feel this way about my life- I have to be my very best. It's not about being a better teacher/Christian/friend than someone else- it's all about ME knowing that I did the best I could with what was entrusted to me, as in the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-29). To whom much has been given much has been required. Something tells me I'm not the guy with only one coin. Who am I to waste this precious gift of being me? My flesh- or at times the adversary, at times other people, and at times circumstances- are standing at ready attention to exploit my lack of diligence. I want to come to the end of my life and be able to say, like Paul in II Timothy 4:7, that I have fought the good fight, finished the race, and remained faithful.

I am leaving it all on the field, my very best. I have long said (since 2002 at the latest) that I intend to live my life with no regrets. I do not regret the hardening of my heart because it was the decision I made at that time; I would, however, regret not taking every opportunity to draw close to the heart of God while He's drawing me at the present time.

I want to leave you with lyrics to the Joy Williams song No Less:

I wanna give my all and
No less
I wanna live my life with
No regrets

I'll listen to
The call
Because You gave
It all

And when You put me to
The test
I'll give You
No Less

Part III to come...

Quickie

I have to give major props to Shiona for correctly guessing my top three favorite Ammo nicknames. She's so getting taken out on a date the next time we're in the same vicinity.

I'm not posting the answer just so the rest of you get a chance, so feel free to put forth the effort :)

And yes, the to be continued episode is still to come. Worry not.

Give every minute to the One who's given today

[Every Moment, Joy Williams]

This weekend was like a small reunion of sorts. I spoke on the phone for literally about ten hours- and I rarely talk on the phone- to friends from each of my phases in life- Jill, who I've known since sixth grade; Darla, who has been one of my closest friends since high school; Shiona, one of my best friends since college; and Becca, one of my roommates and my closest friend now in T_F^A.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am. In John 8:14 Jesus said:

For I know where I came from and where I am going.

I've been ruminating over the fact that I feel like in many ways over the last year and a half I have really lost my sense of direction and where I'm going in life. Well, had, not have.

I've always known with a quiet certainty that I will marry someone in the ministry. Not because I think I deserve it, or because I think that it's more spiritual than serving Christ via a secular job. It's just something that I feel God has not only said will happen, but that He's also been preparing me for. Others in my life, godly friends and mentors whom I respect greatly, have told me they see this as well- often even when I haven't told them what God has said to me about it.

I also believe that God has specific plans for how He wants to use me in the ministry. Five years ago I went to see Beth Moore in person for the first time, at NNU (Northwest Nazarene University) in Nampa, ID. It was a precious experience, where God turned up the heat on breaking through my deep insecurities, my longing thirst for unconditional and validating love, and brought me to His feet in worship and brokenness.

The main message He inscribed on my heart that weekend was that I was an empty cup, and I was trying to take things of this world- approval, acceptance, achievement, accolades, acquisitions, affection- in order to feel fulfilled. Beth did an illustration where she took an empty tin cup and threw in a few coins. Then she shook it from side to side. My heart twisted inside out at the sound- the hollow empty clang of the coins rattling inside awoke my slumbering spirit. How truly tragic that sound in my own life to that point must have been to the Lord.

His desire is to be the Living Water in my life, to fill me to the brim and overflow into lives around me. When God uses things in this world to bless me and I am already filled with Him it only causes more of His thirst-quenching, life giving power to flood the other empty cups around me. But I was not there- I was empty and bashing my poor cup to pieces trying to find fulfillment in a few pennies of the world's treasures.

For perhaps only the second time in my life I was brought to the heart of God, saw my own inadequacy, and was broken before Him. How could I ever be filled with Him? How could one as frail and broken as I was access that well of Life and be filled? Ever faithful, the Lord lifted my head and said, simply, "Walk with me, Daughter."

In a later session, Beth was onstage digging deep into- and rightly dividing- the Word of God with nearly a thousand women (and a few men) joining her. The beauty of lives changing right there before my very eyes was awe-inspiring. Seemingly out of nowhere a quiet, still voice whispered, "I want to use you to do something like this, T___." Shock mingled with disbelief and I pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

Flash forward three years, and I filled in for a few Bible studies for my beloved Mamacita (K@thy, my second mother). I found that I absolutely loved studying God's Word, and not only that- the Holy Spirit revealed things to me! I saw things in scripture that even my much respected pastors hadn't seen when I shared what the Spirit had revealed to me. Not only that, but I absolutely loved getting to share those things with the high school girls, and my fervent prayer and desire was not accolades but for transformation in their lives.

So lately I've been thinking about where I came from; God has faithfully built a firm foundation established upon His Word under my feet. My background is a beautiful mosaic with dark tiles that only cause the times of light to burst in radiance. My life is without a single accident or oversight in detail, and I have come from 24 years of seeing the Lord's hand clearly on me, even pre-salvation.

From Christ and of Christ I have come; where, then, am I going?

I've contemplated this, recently, as well.

To be continued...

If you correctly name my favorite three Ammo-approved nicknames from the video in the previous entry, and you're someone I actually know in real life, then I totally owe you a date. Lunch, coffee, an frozen malt beverage, whatever.

Bring it on, baby. Bring it on.

Ammo is my boyfriend

There's a reason why I have claimed that Adam Morrison is my boyfriend.

I was going to write something deep and inspiring tonight. Instead, I can't stop laughing at the greatest commercial ever.

I'm sure some commercial-writing producer type wrote the list, but I like to pretend that Ammo himself came up with these.

Watch this:



Which one do you think is my favorite?

MAJOR props if you can list my top three in order.

People keep repeatin' that you'll never fall in love

[Let My Love Open the Door, Pete Townshend]

It seems my muse in on vacation.

I can't really blame her- it is the end of July and, let's face it, summer isn't going to last forever.

So... I'm going to try and write without her. Hopefully she approves.

This morning (ok, I woke up at noon. Not on purpose. I just hit snooze so many times that my alarm clock stopped going off. Oops.) I was trying to motivate myself into... something. I was a bit lethargic from sleeping for 11 hours, so I was going back and forth between ESPN and MTV. I'm not normally into "Making the Band" but on the episode I was (kind of) watching they were in the studio recording and that whole process fascinates me. Lame excuse, I know, but it's true.

All of a sudden the TV went "POP" and shut off. Totally dead. It won't turn on at all.

So I figured if that didn't get through to me that I should start working on stuff for school then nothing ever would.

The truth is... I've been thinking a lot about the end times lately. Yes, it's true- I'm one of those "crazy" Christians that believes Jesus Christ is going to rapture all of the Christians and then return after seven years of tribulation on the earth. I believe the Bible is literal. I do think that we live in the latter days.

That said, I have no idea when Christ will return. It could be in 10 minutes or it could be in a hundred years. I really don't know. The fact is, nobody does. The Bible says no one but the Father knows the day or the hour, but when it does happen it will be in the twinkling of an eye. So really, I don't know when it's coming. But if it did happen tomorrow, would I be ready? plus, there is also the chance that the Lord could choose to take me home via death in my physical body; it's not just the chance of the rapture that has me thinking about what I'm doing with my life. Am I really living my life as such that were it all to end in the next breath I would have no regrets?

The thing is, I am called by God's word to live circumspectly and wise, and to redeem the time. I'm not saying TV is inherently evil, but at the same time, I don't want to waste my life. Last year I wasted so much time. I really want to be more focused and intentional and do my best for my kids (and in my spiritual life, and just in general). I want to be the best teacher, the best friend, the most faihtful servant of the Lord that I can be.

And I want to start flossing. So I'm going to do that, now. After that, my highlighter, pen, and TF@ materials are ready for me to dive in and get to work.

:)

Dear Tony Reali,

Marry me.

When you smile, my face lights up. When you crack yourself up, I can't stop from laughing with you. Or at you. But I adore you all the more.

You are a statistical genius... particularly concerning sports, and we all know that's the most important stat field there is. Your intelligence and smooth delivery capture my attention- and my mind and heart.

When you talk on Around the Horn (or make appearances on PTI) I can only stare at the screen and think about how wonderful you are.

I disagree with you allowing Smith to get the second cut today- you were very stingy allotting him his points. His answer was incredible. But I love you nonetheless.

Call me.

And then marry me.

What I chase won't set me free

[Sympathy, Goo Goo Dolls]

There's not much new on the home front.

I just really like those song lyrics and needed an excuse to share them with people.

:)