Monday, July 24, 2006

You saved me from the everything I couldn't be

[Here With Me, Jennifer Paige]

I haven't slept well the last few nights.

Anyone even remotely close to me knows that I am a champion sleeper. Were sleeping an Olympic event I would be a serious contender for gold.

The most I have slept in the last few nights is a three hour block from the hours of 4-7 when my body is so exhausted that it simply tries to trick my mind into slumber. Otherwise I wake up 4-10 times an hour. Normally, if I have nothing to get up for, I will sleep 10-14 hours. Lately I haven't been able to sleep more than 7 before I drag my exhausted self from bed because I couldn't fall back asleep if I wanted to.

This is not me.

You might think it's just adjusting my sleep schedule. But it's not. The truth is that I wake up to every miniscule sound. My heart races so fast that I can feel it from my throat to my stomach. If there are noises I remain frigid in my bed, stiff with fear.

I am afraid that he's snapped and has come after me.

I have no real reason to think this. A few hateful e-mails and text messages don't mean he's going to come physically harm me. But I'm scared of him nonetheless.

This isn't me. I'm always the first to venture into the dark- often ahead of most of the guys. I walk around my house alone at night in the dark for fun, just to see if I could make it were I to lose my eyesight; I never fear someone unwanted is lurking around the next lightless corner. Sure, I have some irrational fear that a complete stranger will break into my house and rape and stab me, but you might be surprised how many girls have at least a phantom-fear of this, especially if they live alone. It's never actually affected me in any tangible way.

I hate the way I feel right now. I'm praying, and spending time in the Word, but I just want it to go away. Why am I afraid of him? How could a few scathingly hatred-filled e-mails from him affect me this deeply? I don't miss him. I'm struggling to forgive him. I resent him. It takes every ounce of self-control possible to ignore him when he lashes out, and not write back exactly what I think of him. He's blocked in every way possible and I finally got my stuff back so I won't need to open any more correspondence from him.

Nevertheless the fear remains.

I am normally so... together. Confident and self-assured, unwavering in faith. I don't worry. I don't fret. I don't get overcome with emotion.

Minutes ago I was brushing my teeth and burst into tears. I had to sit down and pull myself together.

I hate him for doing this to me.

I'm exhausted, distraught, afraid, alone, unsettled, vulnerable, and overall frail.

I know there's a purpose to all of this... but I don't recognize this person currently inhabiting my body and I certainly don't want her to stick around.

I'm going to attempt to sleep. I pray I will sleep through the night.

That hasn't been a problem since I was less than two years old.

I pray this ends soon.