Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Time has made me strong

[Too Little, Too Late , JoJo]

Things I am grateful for:

  • The chance to go into my classroom. I felt refreshed, inspired, and excited being in there. Enough to even come home and continue working on planning! Plus, one of my fave people in the office gave me my key early so I can come and go as I please. The janitor actually had to kick me out :) That's in part because I slept too late and got there later than I meant to *grins sheepishly*. Tomorrow I WILL get up earlier because I am forcing myself.

  • Friends coming back to town! Yay! Bec and I are going to have a date this week (one for tomorrow has already been proposed by me via an e-mail a few minutes ago, so I'll see if I hear from her tomorrow) and then there's already a roomie dinner in the works for Thursday night. Happy day! Pretty much everyone will be at a T_F@ event Saturday because it's mandatory with a required make-up date (lest you choose to forego your nearly $5k education award... which, honestly, who would?) so I'll get to see tons of friends. Oh, happy day :)

  • I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually grateful for cramps. They always happen on the first day of my cycle (I know, guys are suicidal right now, but bear with me) and while they often cause me to literally feel like I might pass out when waves of pain hit, the good news is that I feel like the hormone dam that blocks all of my happiness when I'm on PMS opens its gates and my normal joyful personality can break forth. Seriously- 11 days of an aching chest (and I don't mean my heart or ribs) and the constant battle against my own chemical make-up to not be constantly irritable gets REALLY old. Cramps signify the end of that battle! And, let's be honest- I'm SUPER grateful for Advil ;) Though I actually prefer Tylenol... mainly because it starts with a T. I'm narcissistic, what can I say?

  • Motivation! In part it's my own willpower. In part it's the Lord's motivation. In part it's the prayers of friends. But I have accomplished more in the last two days than I think the entire rest of the month of August. And much of July. So here's to not being a lazy bum!

  • Floss! I used to never do it. And, at the risk of alienating readers, I also used to only brush in the morning. I know that's kind of gross. Hey- at least I'm honest! And repenting ;) Lately (the last month or so) I have been brushing morning and night, and my commitment is to floss at least 3-4 times a week, though I actually might start doing it every day because I'm starting to like it. My gums bleed and ache less, and I just love the feeling of clean teeth! I'm even going to figure out a time to go to the dentist in the next few months. I'm kind of scared, but it's needed. Plus, I pay like thirty bucks a month for dental insurance, dang it!

  • Family and MySpace. I've totally been able to connect with cousins that otherwise I would never talk to. One of my fave cousins is going to college (W@zzu) on Wednesday, and I can barely believe it. I can almost remember when he was born. And I love his younger sister, and really feel like I have an awesome opportunity to be kind of like a big sis to her even if it's just through keeping in touch via MySpace.

  • In that vein, Google Talk! I heart it much. And seriously- Gmail changed my life so if you want an invite just ask. I hang my head in shame that I ever was a faithful Hotmail user with an unused Gmail account!

  • An amazing song- it's called Too Little, Too Late by JoJo and I feel it is such a perfect song for all that I went through in my break-up earlier this summer. I still stand in awe of all God did and has done (and will do). I'm finally in a healthy place, not haunted like I was. That doesn't mean I won't ever have to deal with anything God may choose to bring up, but I feel a peace about all He has done. I know that I am wiser, and truly want Him to interrupt my life with someone and am not concerned about when that happens. I'm happy with my life, right now, and grateful for the lessons learned. I also know that even if I first meet someone randomly online (aka NOT a dating site! That's just not for me.) I need to know them in person, over a period of time. No rushing or jumping in. I only want God's best and He has been so gracious to bring me back to Him. I am His alone until He decides He wants a man in my life.

    Back to the actual song-- the reason I love this song so much is it just sums up the break-up and how it all happened. It also is about a female that says, "Enough is enough, I'm doing the right thing, and I'm strong." Her boy [not man] was a player and flirted with other girls; mine was deeply insecure and manipulative and a ticking time bomb particularly to my spiritual, mental, and emotional health. Other than that small difference, I can just really identify with the lyrics. Here's the money graf:
    I was young
    And in love
    I gave you everything
    But it wasn't enough
    And now you wanna communicate (You know it's just too little too late)
    Go find someone else
    In letting you go
    I'm loving myself
    You got a problem
    But don't come asking me for help
    'Cause you know...
    It's just too little, too late
    I can love with all of my heart, baby
    I know I have so much to give
    I was naive in love and didn't actually love him, though I thought I did at the time. I did give the guy my best (even he admitted I was an amazing girlfriend, and I knew I was! I put him first and really did my best to love him well in Christ), yet he was constantly self-focused and only saw me for the wife he thought I'd be, the mother he thought I'd be to his children, etc. He was always trying to prove he was better than me though and was threatened by my qualities of being friendly, funny, smart, a talented singer, etc. He also was simply very unhealthy spiritually and his doctrine was way off. In fact, it was false doctrine and when I was no longer open to it he accused me of not even being saved! He said I was a counterfeit, then a fake, and then all but accused me of being a Jezebel- a seductress trying to take his focus off of God. HELLO! I'm a virgin and consistently sought God in the relationship- I'm the one who broke up with him as a result of God revealing how unhealthy the boy was for me! Needless to say, I never believed or took personally any of the cruel things he said because I knew he was wrong.

    Then he did what he made a habit of- tearing me down and then pleading for forgiveness. The last time he did this he was begging me to not remember him that way- as a cruel person who said horrible things to me. At one point he even admitted his problem of being so cruel to me out of selfishness on his part when I hadn't done anything to instigate it. I simply didn't reply to the e-mail; it's not my job to help him fix himself. It truly was too little, too late. He could say the perfect words but no longer was I going to let him try to manipulate me. I deserve far better. I love myself and will not settle for any less than God's best for me. That said, when God prompts me to, I pray for him to truly put his identity in Christ, and I ask God to not allow him to have any sort of ability to affect another girl's heart until he has done so.

    As for me-- I do have a LOT to offer to the man God wants me to spend my life with and I refused to waste even on more ounce of it on someone that wasn't God's best.

    I'm still grateful for a song that hits the heart of the matter for me :)
  • God's Word! I saved the best for last here: I've been thinking a lot lately about how Jesus Christ was sinless, yet He was tempted in every way. His ability to resist temptation- to choose God over sin- was a result of dependence on the Holy Spirit in Him. The Holy Spirit is equally as much God as Christ Himself and God the Father. He [the Holy Spirit is a He, not an it; see Romans 8:26] enabled Jesus Christ to choose not to sin, and that exact same power was sealed in me upon my salvation! (Ephesians 1:13-14). I have the option to choose God if I'm willing to rely on the Holy Spirit in me.

    Last night God really wowed me with a verse I've never even noticed before though- I was reading in James (I'll link the entire fourth chapter) and this portion just enraptured me, considering my recent ponderings on the Holy Spirit in my very being:
    What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the Holy Spirit, whom God has placed within us, jealously longs for us to be faithful? He gives us more and more strength to stand against such evil desires.
    [James 4:5-6a; NLT]
    He longs for me; rather, jealously longs for me to be faithful to Him! So much so that He continually strengthens me so that I can choose God. This just blew me away. I can't stop thinking about it. I love my Father God, and I've re-begun to fall in love with Jesus Christ, but never in my life have I thought about what it means to fall in love with the Holy Spirit. And He's the One that lives in me! I can honestly say, however, that I am falling in love with Him for the first time and I pray it only deepens throughout my life.
I know this entry has been long (as usual) but thank you for sticking through to the end. I pray you are blessed by what (Who!) is at work in my life. For those of you who blog, particularly those who blog about what our precious Jesus Christ is doing in your lives, I am consistently blessed. What a precious gift to engage in one another's journeys via the written word. I'm barely two months younger than the personal computer (no joke) but I praise God for the blessings that the Internet can bring.

For those of you who are Christians, is it not amazing that the very same Holy Spirit that lived in Jesus Christ (and is Jesus Christ since They are both part of the Trinity) lives in both you and I? What precious unity. I stand in awe of such things and my words fail to do them justice. Nonetheless, praise God!